relief

Everyone is finally gone. No more family members, no more awards ceremonies, dinners, chauffeuring my family around, cleaning....IM DONE!!!!

Now I feel like I can give proper updates:

THE BOY: Left on Wednesday. We both cried. He told me he loved me. It was a really rough goodbye. I don't know how this relationship got so serious all the sudden but it is, and I like it. I've never been treated so well/not lied to/not cheated on but at the same time, he doesn't worship me. He still challenges me and is quick to point out when I'm being a ridiculous bitch. We ichat daily and still text all the time. Tomorrow I'm buying a ticket to see him in London for 12 days. We're splitting it. But I get to live in his parent's studio with him in Notting Hill and we're also going to spend a weekend in his country house. I'm so excited.

THE ROCKSTAR: Here's where things get messy. I love the boy. I can't wait to see him. But I feel awful that I'm still emailing the rockstar. We exchange photos (don't worry all with clothes on haha) but still. It's not right, is it? I'm a terrible person, aren't I?

SCHOOL: School is dunzo. I graduated summa cum laude and phi beta kappa. I'm a total perfectionist/ insanely competative person, which also explains my obsession with my weight. But I'm not completely finished. I start medschool at the end of July. I'm peeing in my pants I'm so nervous.

WEIGHT: After this weekend of being force-fed meals, I'm still 120lbs. BUT my mom commented on my weight and said I've gotten "really thin." She then asked me how much I weighed, which I responded, "I don't know." And then made up some bullshit about finals being stressful. I'm starting an all day fast today. Wish me luck.

In the upoming week, I have to pack my room, say good bye to my best friends, and drive all the way home. BLAHHHHHH this is hard.

exhauseted

i was up until 4 30 last night finishing that paper. i felt delirious. its a terrible paper also. whatever. i'm graduating. i'm going to medical school. it's done with.

then this morning i had to wake up early for this interview thing. and i'm so tired. i can't want to fall asleep and nap all day. then i have to go to dinner. then i have to make a presentation for a class tomorrow. it never fucking ends.

since i have to go to dinner tonight and since i did so poorly yesterday, i'm going to fast all day. i know it doesn't really count if it's not even a day, but i'm just deciding i wont have anything until 9:00 PM. yesterday i ended up eating 800cals. not ok. the weird thing was i didn't binge. i just ate a lot. i have been awake for 40 of the last 48 hours though, so i figure i'm buring more calories being awake. i know they say you need to get good sleep to keep your metabolism up, but it's not to the extent that you would burn more calories than from being awake.

i wish i could write a more substantive post but i'm so fucking exhausted. all i can do is ramble.

current weight: STILL FUCKING 118lbs.

I don't understand. i'm not eating the amount of calories necessary to maintain my weight. what's going on? does anyone know?

After friday, i'll have a brief break from doing work. i'll only have to edit my thesis and study a little for an exam on wed. so that means i'm going to start my first REAL fast this weekend. just a baby one. 48 hours. but i really want to do a completely 0 calorie fast. i'll allow myself a diet arizona green tea if i need something sweet. plus since its exam time, i won't have the pressure to go out and drink. i can lie and say im doing work. perfect. the only tricky part will be hiding the fact that i'm not eating from my housemates and the boy.

speaking of which. he noticed. last night he was like, you've lost weight. i didn't say anything back. but on the inside i was so happy. i was surprised too b/c ive only really lost 7 pounds. whatever. ill take what i can get.