119

yay!

so yesterday i felt terrible after coming back from the gym. so i ate 150cals worth of bread and crackers. felt better. still hungry enough to wake up today and be...119! yay!

i'm going to keep going.

today so far has not been excellent: 340cals. BUT 2 good things: 1. i really REALLY REALLY craved something sweet so i chewed and spit a brownie and a cookie. NO SWALLOWING. promise. and 2. my plan says i'll have a chicken soup buillon for dinner AND workout. so ideally, i'll end around 360.

my mom's been acting weird. today she just texted me and asked what i was doing. she never conversationally texts...i hope she's not suspecting anything.

this is all that's keeping me going. (watch it in HQ. it makes a huge difference and looks so much clearer)

anja rubik:


edita vilkeviciute:

aspirations

writing out my failure, while altho painful, has been helpful today. also i think it helped for me to plan out exactly what i would eat. so today i had:

cup of light soy milk: 70cals
100cal pack of popcorn: 100cals
power bar: 180cals
large coffee: 10cals?
2 pickels: 10cals

total: 370cals

pretty successful. i planned on having my power bar for dinner, and i did. but then my mom made beef stew and stayed in the kitchen till i was done. but all i did was cut everything up, move it around my plate, and eat 3 green beans. then i threw it away. i think she's getting suspicious tho. today she asked me if i had eaten anything.

oh and i almost forgot! both today and yesterday i went to the gym! yesterday i did about 500cals and today only 360. i was so shaky tho from the coffee and i started using slimquick which has an unspecified amt of caffeine. im so jittery on the inside. i dont like this feeling.

what i DO like is that i feel hungry. really hungry. i want to savor it.

im posting thinspo of what i aspire to be. beautifully thin and wreckless-looking. (at least as wreckless as a future med student can be...)

-

ive been a terrible blogger lately. i dont want to write about my failures. im such a perfectionist and so fucking competitive that it KILLS me to admit weakness. so here i go

this is what ive discovered. i can do a great job all day of restricting on my own. really. i can. then when i finally decide to let myself have a little 100cal meal or whatever, it turns into a binge. binging turns into more binging b/c i view calorie counts in days not weeks. so ill think to myself 'well, ive already fucked this day up. might as well embrace it and start again tomorrow.'

luckily this hasnt translated to massive weight gain. im only 1 pound over 120 but i started my period and im so fucking bloated i dont even want to leave the house. i know ill be 120 tomorrow when it subsides.

but i need to be

completely and entirely need to be

115 by the 17th of june

i can do it. i know i can.



heres my newest method of thinspo: runway video collages of models.
ill start you out with my newest model obsession: Tanya Dziahileva

take me home

yesterday was a terrible terrible day.

i had to say goodbye to my best friends of 4 years. i know ill see them again. but it wont be the same. i wont be living with them. or around them.

i had to say goodbye to new orleans. the city changes you. it haunts you and stays with you and once youve lived there, youll never forget it.

i made the 11+ hour drive home. alone. got a ticket.

had a rediculous panic attack when i came home to realize my mother had moved my room into my brothers room (half the size of my room at school) but kept all my furniture so the result was an extremely claustrophobic space with old lady decoration. it was then i realized that i wasnt home. new orleans was my home. my room there was decorated by me. full of windows and space that i loved. i am not home. im in limbo. i couldnt stop hysterically crying/hyperventilating so i took a vicodin that i had saved. called the boy (it was like 5 in the morning london time) who was amazing and listened until the pill kicked in. then i went to sleep.


today i feel better. i had my mom take out old furniture that i didnt need to open up the room, i moved in ALL of my shit and organized it. AND even tho yesterday was a binge day, i weighed 119.5lbs this morning.

also at least i wont be here for long. i bought my tickets for my trip to london (the boy is splitting it) so theres two weeks out of my summer here. and i move to med school in late july. so its not so bad i suppose.

goods and bads

i feel blah today. but i think ive been makings some progress (in an extremely fucked up way). so here are the goods:

1. i discovered chewing and spitting for the first time yesterday. did it lots.
2. went to the gym for the first time in maybe a year. burned 250cals. (im super out of shape so im trying to get into shape slowly)
3. turned down 2 invitations to go to my favorite restaurants yesterday and today
4. i halfway purged for the first time. i have a really strong cardiac sphincter i think (the muscle that keeps your food from your stomach from entering your esophagus. i never throw up. i've only been sick enough to vomit once in my life and ive only done it from drinking once in my life as well. i seriously cannot puke. i don't know how to do it. my body wont let me. but yesterday i got some of the water i chugged. pointless i know but progress none the less.

here are the bads:
1. i binged yesterday
2. i think my friends are starting to notice

im posting lots of thinspo today. (my internet magically started working so ive been looking at models alllll morning)






ps thanks for the lovely comments yesterday. i love you all. really. you guys know the ugliest part of me. thanks for the nice words. : )

fucked up shit

so the internet that i steal from my neighbors has been deactivated so it will be very difficult for me to post in the upcoming days until i come home (sunday).

ANYWAYS two nights ago I went to this bar with abunch of my girlfriends to see Rebirth Brass Band (I go to college in New Orleans). Great show, I love doing things distinctly New Orleans-y. Anyways the bar was super crowded and my ex happened to be standing right behind me.

Let me fill you all in a little bout this ex. He is the reason I'm ruined when it comes to relationships. Why I'm cynical. Why I don't believe what boys say. Basically in the 4 months that we dated he slept with around 15 other girls, sometimes coming back to fuck me right afterwards. This also included a little eiffel tower sesh with some slut in another sorority, a secret girlfriend who ended up transferring to my school (who's now oddly one of my closest friends) and other seriously, seriously fucked up shit. Here's the thing tho, he never was a dick to my face. SO sweet, complementary, schmoopy, etc. When I would find out about one or two of his acts of cheating, he always convinced me to take him back. I am a very VERY strong, independent, argumentative, STUBBORN girl who he somehow transformed into this weak, weak, weak person. My best friend even told me that she was disgusted with who I had become from dating him b/c I was so weak. Anyways I miraculously got out of the relationship (only after meeting his secret girlfriend and seeing how he had turned her into an even weaker girl) but it still effects me today.

So he was standing behind me and starts throwing ice at me. I ignore it.
He starts pushing me. I turn around and say 'What the fuck?' To which he replies, 'You're shaking your ass on me. Stop.' Ok this is a rediculously packed music club. I was standing close to him, along with 150 other fucking people and for the record was not 'shaking my ass on him.'
So he continues to push me. I ignore it.
The pushing turns into really hard shoving. I ignore it.
Then i stumble a little. Get fucking furious, turn around and push him as hard as I can.

Can I just pause here and say WHO THE FUCK PUSHES GIRLS. what kind of 6'5"/240lbs ASSHOLE feels the need to exert his strength by SHOVING a 120lbs girl. this is the kind of asshole im dealing with. SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP SHIT.

So thankfully my guyfriend who came with my stands up for me. a fight almost breaks out. my girlfriend is holding the asshole back and he pulls her arm off of him. things become more subdued and the asshole now moves to the side of me. I start crying. Not sobbing or anything, but you could see tears streaming down my face. Then I kept crying b/c i was so mad at myself for giving him the satisfaction of making me cry. I HATE HIM. Probably the only person I feel this strong of hatred for.

So thats what happened. I've been in kind of a bad mood all day yesterday from it. l;askdfoaiewnfaosdnfa;lsdkfja;lsdkj I'm still so furious.


i wish i would have broken my hand on his face.

little bit

118lbs today. I don't know how. I haven't been too good at restricting lately. Yesterday my fast was ruined because I was with my housemates ALL FUCKING DAY. They noticed that I didn't eat breakfast with them and then when it was lunch time we all ate together. I couldn't not do it. Whatever. Today I have a dinner at 8 that I'll have to eat at, but I'll be a good girl. I guess that means no fasting until tomorrow.

It's weird tho. I know I'm almost 10 pounds skinnier than my heaviest, but I still feel fat. I'm not that satisfied. It makes me wonder if I shouldn't change my ultimate goal weight from 110 to 100. I don't want to be sickly looking. I don't find that attractive. But I want to be delicate and frail and feminine. I think that's the biggest reason I'm doing this. When you're taller than average, you feel less dainty and girly. For example, when short girls are heavier, they're "curvy." When tall girls are heavier, they're just a "big girl." I never want to be a big girl.



I'm making collages today to keep busy. It's the first time I actually have to do something to keep busy. I like it. I'll scan one if I can and put it up.




I got nothing
You got something
I feel out of place
Looking through that window
Into the delicate place

help!

Here's the thing. I'm visiting the boy in a little more than a month. His mom was a model in Paris and his sister is bullemic and trying to model as well. FML. The two women in his life that he is closest with, the two that I most need to impress on this trip are skinny fucking bitches. I MUST BE 110 WHEN I GET TO LONDON. failing to is simply not an option.

SO to keep me from eating, I'm going to make this post about how I want skinny bird arms.

relief

Everyone is finally gone. No more family members, no more awards ceremonies, dinners, chauffeuring my family around, cleaning....IM DONE!!!!

Now I feel like I can give proper updates:

THE BOY: Left on Wednesday. We both cried. He told me he loved me. It was a really rough goodbye. I don't know how this relationship got so serious all the sudden but it is, and I like it. I've never been treated so well/not lied to/not cheated on but at the same time, he doesn't worship me. He still challenges me and is quick to point out when I'm being a ridiculous bitch. We ichat daily and still text all the time. Tomorrow I'm buying a ticket to see him in London for 12 days. We're splitting it. But I get to live in his parent's studio with him in Notting Hill and we're also going to spend a weekend in his country house. I'm so excited.

THE ROCKSTAR: Here's where things get messy. I love the boy. I can't wait to see him. But I feel awful that I'm still emailing the rockstar. We exchange photos (don't worry all with clothes on haha) but still. It's not right, is it? I'm a terrible person, aren't I?

SCHOOL: School is dunzo. I graduated summa cum laude and phi beta kappa. I'm a total perfectionist/ insanely competative person, which also explains my obsession with my weight. But I'm not completely finished. I start medschool at the end of July. I'm peeing in my pants I'm so nervous.

WEIGHT: After this weekend of being force-fed meals, I'm still 120lbs. BUT my mom commented on my weight and said I've gotten "really thin." She then asked me how much I weighed, which I responded, "I don't know." And then made up some bullshit about finals being stressful. I'm starting an all day fast today. Wish me luck.

In the upoming week, I have to pack my room, say good bye to my best friends, and drive all the way home. BLAHHHHHH this is hard.

can you ever just be whelmed?

im still too busy to give a proper update. let me just tell you everything ive done today:

Made trips to walgreens, the recycling, american apparel.
Ichatted with the boy
Cleaned the ENTIRE HOUSE (everyone is coming for graduation on saturday)
Went to this honors reception to get my honors cord (summa cum laude, what whatttttt)
Cleaned my whole bathroom
Did a load of laundry

Now I have to go into work. My first time bartending. There's a huge special tonite and a party. im nervous.

weight: steady 120lbs. (again i'm really trying to focus on the positive in that even tho i've been TERRIBLE and binged for 4 days straight, i've never been able to maintain this weight. yay!)
cals: 280

i cheated a little. i had so much to do and wanted to start not eating again so i took a vyvanse. just a baby one. only 30mg. i have 3 left. i'm saving them for the next 3 days so that i wont eat at all these events i have to go to.

i dont know how i feel. proud of myself? yes. depressed and alone? yes. overwhelmed? yes.
it's like i have so much to do, i can't even process any of my emotions.


again. another post filled with nothing of substance. i promise i'll do better soon

the atlantic

The boy left today. He's from London. There's going to be a whole ocean between us now. And just a few hours ago I was in his arms while he whispered how much he loved me.
I know I've been MIA. I have so much to write. But I can't just now.






I've been crying all day. I don't know how to sleep alone anymore.

time for a change

I'm done with classes. Done with college. First day with nothing to do but what I want to do. Perfect for starting anew with my weightloss. FIRST I'd like to point out that it's been almost a month since I've stayed at or below 120lbs which I'm proud about. I haven't been this steadily at 120 since middle school. But enough with the positive thinking. It's time to get serious. It's time for a change in how I do this.




A little surreal thinspo/thematic connection from H&M's new commercial.

Here are my rules:

1. No eating until at least 2 hours after I wake up.
2. No eating after 9
3. 2 liters of H2O a day
4.Do drugs over alcohol if possible

These are modified rules obviously for the time that I'm still at school. Since I'm going to be finishing up my lease down here and around all my friends until the end of May, severe restricting and going to the gym everyday simply isn't realistic or subtle. Once I get home in June, I'll be able to work out a lot and fast. That will be the first order of business actually. A fast.

Today was lovely. I had a 200cal salad split up into two meals. And a half of a graham cracker with some peanut butter: 80cals. Then a diet lemon snapple. 0cals. Total? 280. Tonite will be difficult. I'll have to drink. But since I'm not really eating, I'm sure I'll be plenty tipsy after 3 shots (300cals). I know that's not good, but I don't know how to escape the reality of my college/friends/social scene. Plus, this is the last 2 weeks I'll be spending with all of them and I don't want to be a debbie downer and unfun. Any suggestions??