back

too much to write. so here is a brief recap:
1. leave for med school in 3 days. stressful organizing new house, furniture, moving, loans, etc.
2. londytown was amazing. im still so in love with the boy. so so much.
3. i canceled the trip to visit the leadsinger. i really could not go and see him and fuck him less than a week after london. i would have to be dead inside to do that.
4. weight is pretty much the same.


i thought about quitting this. but then i realized i couldnt do it without you all.


here's what i cant stop listening to:

sasha

a couple quick updates:
1. 117lbs this morning! hopefully i can keep it up this time.
2. leadsinger booked the flights. first class. bought. its official. im kind of freaking out.



no really freaking out. ive only told one of my girlfriends. and my brother. they are the only two that know who it is and whats going on. i wish i could tell you girls!




and now, a tribute to my current obsession, sasha pivovarova:

alright my little darlings here's whats new:

im currently finalizing plans to be flown to ***** <--- (i can't say the city b/c im paranoid someone will figure out what band he's from and tell him that i am a crazy psycho with an blog about her ED) b/c theyre playing a show there. i feel terrible. the boy doesn't know. i cant even imagine what he would do if he found out we were still texting, much less exchaning emails with pictures attached and planning trips together.... im a terrible girlfriend. BUT im at least making it happen so that i see the rockstar AFTER i get back from london bc the boy and i will be broken up by then. were only doing the long distance thing now, before the trip and then once i leave london it's goodbye for real. am i a bad person for not feeling too guilty about this whole thing?



i made up new rules for myself:

1. no eating until 12
2. no eating after 9

its crunch time. 2 weeks till london. and a month till rockstar time

the end.

put your sad face away

i have a lot of things to say so bare with me....

i started working as a waitress. i hate it. its stupid but whatever. i need dollars. also i have to pretend that a family emergency is making me quit in like 2 weeks. i feel bad lying. the owner is nice. but ill be in london. and she wouldnt have hired me if she knew i would be gone for 10 days...then gone again in a month.

somethings been up with the boy. it finally all came out yesterday. he started using heroin. i flipped my shit at him. threatened to not come. then he broke down and was like 'i NEED you.' and started begging me to still come. i told him that i didnt want to be needed. i just wanted to be loved. sometimes i feel like he enjoys being this tragic character in life whos always fucked up and depressed. like a suffering artist. you want to see fucked up? wait til you see me in london and im scary thin.

i had to take a sleeping pill to go to bed the other night bc i was so anxious. why you ask? the rockstar wants to fly me down to austin for a few days. wow. good thing im a hooker who you are paying to entertain you. also i feel like a shit for texting him all the time meanwhile im telling the boy that i love him. that makes me a terrible terrible girlfriend/whore.

my mom yelled at me bc i said something with 'an attitude.' then she told me 'whats your problem? put your sad face away.' really? fuck you. im sorry that i hate myself/have an eating disorder/that my boyfriend is on heroin/that i HATE BEING HERE/and that i feel like a dirty whore. ill just put on a happy face.

this is just feuling the fucking fire. ill show you sad face. ill show you fucked up. you fucking wait.



this is what im listening to:

relief

Everyone is finally gone. No more family members, no more awards ceremonies, dinners, chauffeuring my family around, cleaning....IM DONE!!!!

Now I feel like I can give proper updates:

THE BOY: Left on Wednesday. We both cried. He told me he loved me. It was a really rough goodbye. I don't know how this relationship got so serious all the sudden but it is, and I like it. I've never been treated so well/not lied to/not cheated on but at the same time, he doesn't worship me. He still challenges me and is quick to point out when I'm being a ridiculous bitch. We ichat daily and still text all the time. Tomorrow I'm buying a ticket to see him in London for 12 days. We're splitting it. But I get to live in his parent's studio with him in Notting Hill and we're also going to spend a weekend in his country house. I'm so excited.

THE ROCKSTAR: Here's where things get messy. I love the boy. I can't wait to see him. But I feel awful that I'm still emailing the rockstar. We exchange photos (don't worry all with clothes on haha) but still. It's not right, is it? I'm a terrible person, aren't I?

SCHOOL: School is dunzo. I graduated summa cum laude and phi beta kappa. I'm a total perfectionist/ insanely competative person, which also explains my obsession with my weight. But I'm not completely finished. I start medschool at the end of July. I'm peeing in my pants I'm so nervous.

WEIGHT: After this weekend of being force-fed meals, I'm still 120lbs. BUT my mom commented on my weight and said I've gotten "really thin." She then asked me how much I weighed, which I responded, "I don't know." And then made up some bullshit about finals being stressful. I'm starting an all day fast today. Wish me luck.

In the upoming week, I have to pack my room, say good bye to my best friends, and drive all the way home. BLAHHHHHH this is hard.

high

So many things to cover, good and bad, but I'm feeling mostly good. Probably b/c of the drugs.

1. DONE WITH COLLEGE. I finished my last exam today. I'm dunzo. I'm not done w/ school forever tho. 4 mo' years for me via medical school. I love feeling the ability to do nothing. It's been so long since I've actually been bored.

2. BINGE: Yesterday, b/c of the adderall, I ate 300cals. Today, because of God-knows-why, I binged insanely. I can't even bare to write it. But I still feel happy.

3. DINNER: I went out to dinner with my sorority family for the last time since I'm graduating and they got me such nice gifts and paid for my food! Plus I loved talking to them all. They're each so different but so fucking cool. I know it's lame, and I'm not at all a sorority girl at all. But I like having these people in my life.

4. TEXT: So it's been two days since the lead singer had e-mailed me, and I had begun to worry that he moved on/met another girl/ changed his mind. But then earlier tonite, I got a wonderfully flirtatious text. AH THE SEXUAL TENSION IS KILLING ME. But I love it. I love that he texted me.

5.I'm pretty fucking baked right now. (Also contributing to the binge), but I had a wonderful night. I'm happy.


Tomorrow starts the new plan. Gym everyday. 500 cals max. I can't fast here b/c my housemates will notice. We're going to be spending a lot of time together since we're all done w/ school and not working now. I'll have to wait till June, sadly.

thought vomit

I feel separated from my friends and housemates. They don't know what's going on inside my head, but anyone who reads this does. I've become so involved in schoolwork (it's exam period) and not eating that I feel distant toward them. It is nice to read other blogs and feel part of a community, though.

The lead singer wants me to myspace him, but I haven't updated my myspace in years. OBVIOUSLY I've been obsessing about updating it and making it cool. But now, when I friend him, he'll see that everything about my profile is newly updated and know that it was for him. This is the train of thought that goes through my mind. I'm crazy right? Or just lame.

I've been doing work all day and now I have to get ready for work work at 12. Then get up early and keep writing. One of my professors gave me an extension for a paper so I HAVE to complete it by then.

The boy has been really cute today in texting. It's weird, but this is definitely the best relationship I've ever been in. And it's going to end in two weeks when he leaves for the summer and I leave for medical school. In the words of Charlie Brown, "RATS!"

Sorry this is all over the place. My brain is going a million miles a minute.

Almost forgot: right now I'm eating 100cals worth of tofu plus 5cals of vinegar making my daily total 545. Not terrible considering I will have been awake today for 20 hours.

relief

So today I had my thesis defense. They passed me! They loved it! They even wanted me to pursue publishing. I'm so happy and relieved.

This morning, I decided I'd allow myself a good breakfast so that I could be mentally prepared for the defense. I had a pretty good sized bowl of dry cereal (220 cals). When I came home from the defense, I was starving. I was so proud of myself that I thought I'd treat myself to a real lunch. But then I saw myself in the mirror in shorts that were almost falling off of me, and I LOVED the way it felt to not be disgusted by my reflection. So I decided to have a soup (another 220 cals).

I'm going to take a vyvanse and finish this paper I have due today for another class. Hopefully, I'll be able to not eat till tomorrow. But I have work tonight and I'm sure when I come home at 4 in the morning I'll be ravenous. So I've decided to allow myself to eat 600 cals today.

It's crazy. I feel guilty eating that much. But it's starving myself. I'm going to medical school next year. I know what I'm doing to myself.

I think I'll email the lead singer back today. I don't want him to forget about me. But I also don't want to be desparate. What should I do?

rockstar

The lead singer emailed me. And texted. This is so weird. I can't believe he's still interested. THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL. But I have to keep this to myself so that the boy doesn't know. And my girlfriends would disapprove. I WANT TO TELL SOMEONE SO BADLY!

They're recording next week...maybe I'll get a shout out indirectly through some obscure lyrics.

Anyways, so far so good. I've already drank a liter of water today and had a cup of green tea. Also, my sorority isn't having dinner after chapter tonight; so, I won't have any excuse to binge on delicious catered food.

I just know I can be 115lbs.

He will like that. You need to be thin to be indie. It sounds so lame, but it's true. The lead singer of the Kings of Leon just came out saying he has anorexia because there's so much pressure on girls AND boys in the indie scene to be thin. It's because being apathetic is cool. Which includes being apathetic about eating. And you're supposed to do drugs/be wreckless which almost certainly does not include gorging yourself with food.

Total caloric intake for today: 405

Rockstar/indie/hipster/cool thinspo just for today's theme.

falling

Things have gone from bad to worse with the boy. He slept over last night but this morning we were still talking about the kiss with the lead singer. I'm so worried this won't get resolved. Things were going so well with him before this. And we only have 2 weeks together left. Ever.

Before we started talking about the issue, he was looking at my legs and commented how he liked how you can see the ligament that attaches my inner thigh to my groin. He's such an enabler. And he's pretty fucking skinny himself. He makes me feel like I have to be super thin to be with him. Not on purpose, I know, but still.

I'm so upset that I don't want to eat. I've become newly focused on not eating.

today:
2 dexatrim pills
20mg adderall
2 large green teas
3 slices of bunny bread (210 cals) - I know it's white bread and therefore not healthy, but it's all we have in my house.

weight: 120.5 lbs
If I really commit and don't drink (it's finals week so that will be easy), I KNOW I can get down to 115 lbs by Friday. We'll set calorie cap at 500. Plus I have two day's worth of vyvanse to help me out too.

I can't believe what I've become. What I think about. Constantly. Always.





I want to run away. Be by myself. Where I can focus on not eating completely. No school. No work. No boy drama. Just music. And me.

I'm in need of someone take care of me tonight
anyhow, anyway, so I split
like just getting out of there
is gonna get me out of this.

everything hits at once

ive been binging since wed. ive failed all week. then last night, i went to this music festival b/c the lead singer of this band ive hung out back stage with before got me free passes and everything. then i ended up taking them to my sorority formal as a joke. everyone there was like wtf and it was really fun. then i made out with the lead guy and he kept texting me all night. the boy saw and i've ruined everything with him. i was having the best day: hanging out at the festival for free, taking a bunch of famous people to my formal, and chilling with this rockstar all night. then i just fucked everything up. and i feel fat.



dont say a word
the last ones still stingin
back on my mind
i feel that phone ringin
and there is
no way back from this

everything hits at once
what we needs is just what we wants
i go to sleep but think that your next to me
i go to sleep but think your next to me