back

too much to write. so here is a brief recap:
1. leave for med school in 3 days. stressful organizing new house, furniture, moving, loans, etc.
2. londytown was amazing. im still so in love with the boy. so so much.
3. i canceled the trip to visit the leadsinger. i really could not go and see him and fuck him less than a week after london. i would have to be dead inside to do that.
4. weight is pretty much the same.


i thought about quitting this. but then i realized i couldnt do it without you all.


here's what i cant stop listening to:

sasha

a couple quick updates:
1. 117lbs this morning! hopefully i can keep it up this time.
2. leadsinger booked the flights. first class. bought. its official. im kind of freaking out.



no really freaking out. ive only told one of my girlfriends. and my brother. they are the only two that know who it is and whats going on. i wish i could tell you girls!




and now, a tribute to my current obsession, sasha pivovarova:

retail therapy

i forgot to add that i weighed 118 this morning. hooray.

oh. and then i went to return a pair of shoes and ended up spending $70 dollars at forever21. Here's what i bought:

oversized white tank (you can't tell, but its so big you need to wear a bandeau with it):



acid wash skinnies:


new long black leggings (b/c i am to skinny/tall for my old ones):


and this really cool oversized t-shirt that i couldn't find on the site. total = $67.

then i shopped online. i'm a pro-sale shopper. really. if it's not from some shitty store like forever21, i only buy shit on sale. so here's what i got.

dolce vita platform bootie (originally priced at $218...purchased for $53):


and DKNYC platform gladiator sandals (originally $130....purchased for $71):


im not spoiled. i promise. i havent bought new shoes in a LONG time. and crappy new orleans streets/sidewalks absolutely destroyed my one pair of black heels. so these were neccessary purchases AND reasonably priced. im quite proud of myself.

now all i need to complete my wardrobe is a similar black platform sandal, a boyfriend blazer, and a leather jacket. i don't think the leather jacket is happening this year, but the blazer? yes. i would ideally like the alexander wang or elizabeth and james blazers but alas, i do not have the $400+ for either. so i must settle on urban outfitters' style for $78:




and the shoes? im still searching for the perfect pair under $200. let me know if you find them.
i really love these, but i can't spend $405 on one pair of shoes. not when im applying for thousands of dollars of loans to go to school....but i can dream, can't i?







also. i know this is supposed to be a blog about me not eating but i thought it'd be nice to share another side of myself. im really into fashion. or at least try to be. hopefully this post gives you a sense of my style....(if you can't tell, i'm not into color.)

119

yay!

so yesterday i felt terrible after coming back from the gym. so i ate 150cals worth of bread and crackers. felt better. still hungry enough to wake up today and be...119! yay!

i'm going to keep going.

today so far has not been excellent: 340cals. BUT 2 good things: 1. i really REALLY REALLY craved something sweet so i chewed and spit a brownie and a cookie. NO SWALLOWING. promise. and 2. my plan says i'll have a chicken soup buillon for dinner AND workout. so ideally, i'll end around 360.

my mom's been acting weird. today she just texted me and asked what i was doing. she never conversationally texts...i hope she's not suspecting anything.

this is all that's keeping me going. (watch it in HQ. it makes a huge difference and looks so much clearer)

anja rubik:


edita vilkeviciute:

-

ive been a terrible blogger lately. i dont want to write about my failures. im such a perfectionist and so fucking competitive that it KILLS me to admit weakness. so here i go

this is what ive discovered. i can do a great job all day of restricting on my own. really. i can. then when i finally decide to let myself have a little 100cal meal or whatever, it turns into a binge. binging turns into more binging b/c i view calorie counts in days not weeks. so ill think to myself 'well, ive already fucked this day up. might as well embrace it and start again tomorrow.'

luckily this hasnt translated to massive weight gain. im only 1 pound over 120 but i started my period and im so fucking bloated i dont even want to leave the house. i know ill be 120 tomorrow when it subsides.

but i need to be

completely and entirely need to be

115 by the 17th of june

i can do it. i know i can.



heres my newest method of thinspo: runway video collages of models.
ill start you out with my newest model obsession: Tanya Dziahileva

take me home

yesterday was a terrible terrible day.

i had to say goodbye to my best friends of 4 years. i know ill see them again. but it wont be the same. i wont be living with them. or around them.

i had to say goodbye to new orleans. the city changes you. it haunts you and stays with you and once youve lived there, youll never forget it.

i made the 11+ hour drive home. alone. got a ticket.

had a rediculous panic attack when i came home to realize my mother had moved my room into my brothers room (half the size of my room at school) but kept all my furniture so the result was an extremely claustrophobic space with old lady decoration. it was then i realized that i wasnt home. new orleans was my home. my room there was decorated by me. full of windows and space that i loved. i am not home. im in limbo. i couldnt stop hysterically crying/hyperventilating so i took a vicodin that i had saved. called the boy (it was like 5 in the morning london time) who was amazing and listened until the pill kicked in. then i went to sleep.


today i feel better. i had my mom take out old furniture that i didnt need to open up the room, i moved in ALL of my shit and organized it. AND even tho yesterday was a binge day, i weighed 119.5lbs this morning.

also at least i wont be here for long. i bought my tickets for my trip to london (the boy is splitting it) so theres two weeks out of my summer here. and i move to med school in late july. so its not so bad i suppose.

little bit

118lbs today. I don't know how. I haven't been too good at restricting lately. Yesterday my fast was ruined because I was with my housemates ALL FUCKING DAY. They noticed that I didn't eat breakfast with them and then when it was lunch time we all ate together. I couldn't not do it. Whatever. Today I have a dinner at 8 that I'll have to eat at, but I'll be a good girl. I guess that means no fasting until tomorrow.

It's weird tho. I know I'm almost 10 pounds skinnier than my heaviest, but I still feel fat. I'm not that satisfied. It makes me wonder if I shouldn't change my ultimate goal weight from 110 to 100. I don't want to be sickly looking. I don't find that attractive. But I want to be delicate and frail and feminine. I think that's the biggest reason I'm doing this. When you're taller than average, you feel less dainty and girly. For example, when short girls are heavier, they're "curvy." When tall girls are heavier, they're just a "big girl." I never want to be a big girl.



I'm making collages today to keep busy. It's the first time I actually have to do something to keep busy. I like it. I'll scan one if I can and put it up.




I got nothing
You got something
I feel out of place
Looking through that window
Into the delicate place

relief

Everyone is finally gone. No more family members, no more awards ceremonies, dinners, chauffeuring my family around, cleaning....IM DONE!!!!

Now I feel like I can give proper updates:

THE BOY: Left on Wednesday. We both cried. He told me he loved me. It was a really rough goodbye. I don't know how this relationship got so serious all the sudden but it is, and I like it. I've never been treated so well/not lied to/not cheated on but at the same time, he doesn't worship me. He still challenges me and is quick to point out when I'm being a ridiculous bitch. We ichat daily and still text all the time. Tomorrow I'm buying a ticket to see him in London for 12 days. We're splitting it. But I get to live in his parent's studio with him in Notting Hill and we're also going to spend a weekend in his country house. I'm so excited.

THE ROCKSTAR: Here's where things get messy. I love the boy. I can't wait to see him. But I feel awful that I'm still emailing the rockstar. We exchange photos (don't worry all with clothes on haha) but still. It's not right, is it? I'm a terrible person, aren't I?

SCHOOL: School is dunzo. I graduated summa cum laude and phi beta kappa. I'm a total perfectionist/ insanely competative person, which also explains my obsession with my weight. But I'm not completely finished. I start medschool at the end of July. I'm peeing in my pants I'm so nervous.

WEIGHT: After this weekend of being force-fed meals, I'm still 120lbs. BUT my mom commented on my weight and said I've gotten "really thin." She then asked me how much I weighed, which I responded, "I don't know." And then made up some bullshit about finals being stressful. I'm starting an all day fast today. Wish me luck.

In the upoming week, I have to pack my room, say good bye to my best friends, and drive all the way home. BLAHHHHHH this is hard.

can you ever just be whelmed?

im still too busy to give a proper update. let me just tell you everything ive done today:

Made trips to walgreens, the recycling, american apparel.
Ichatted with the boy
Cleaned the ENTIRE HOUSE (everyone is coming for graduation on saturday)
Went to this honors reception to get my honors cord (summa cum laude, what whatttttt)
Cleaned my whole bathroom
Did a load of laundry

Now I have to go into work. My first time bartending. There's a huge special tonite and a party. im nervous.

weight: steady 120lbs. (again i'm really trying to focus on the positive in that even tho i've been TERRIBLE and binged for 4 days straight, i've never been able to maintain this weight. yay!)
cals: 280

i cheated a little. i had so much to do and wanted to start not eating again so i took a vyvanse. just a baby one. only 30mg. i have 3 left. i'm saving them for the next 3 days so that i wont eat at all these events i have to go to.

i dont know how i feel. proud of myself? yes. depressed and alone? yes. overwhelmed? yes.
it's like i have so much to do, i can't even process any of my emotions.


again. another post filled with nothing of substance. i promise i'll do better soon

disappointment

I can't believe it. I'm actually 120. That's what the scale said this morning again. I don't understand. I am a terrible perfectionist. I have a 3.93. I HATE FAILURE. I can't deal with it. So what the fuck am I doing?

I haven't been committing. Just wait. I KNOW that once I'm done with exams, I'll be at the gym everyday. I'll stop eating. It will be perfect. I know it.

Adderall for now. Then I have to go to some stupid banquet for this award I'm getting. I just won't eat. It will be fine.

Ok so I'm going to medical school next year, and the boy is still going to be in college. This means we only have until the end of school together. Well his bitch mom booked his flight home yesterday for this Thursday and he asked her to please change it, but she refused. I was so upset. Lately we had been at each other's throats because of exams and the relationship has been nothing like it was in the beginning. I really didn't want the last thing of our relationship that he remembers is me bitching at him.
Well, he came over last night to study in my room with me, and he was smiling ear-to-ear. I was like what's up. He told me he went ahead and changed the flight anyways with his dad's credit card for the 14th! I was so happy! And then we started playing around like we used to. Here's the problem. I really think I love him. There were times last night where I thought he was going to say it too. Instead, I just opted for, "I'm really glad this happened." But I don't know what to do. I'm so weak. How does this happen?

...120...

what the fuck.
ok so i ate 1600 cals yesterady (overestimate) but i was in the sun all day, running around, dancing, sweating. WAY more active than my sedentary study life.

how does that equal 3 pounds? im thinking that since i didnt drink ANY water and only had diet tea drinks, i retained lots of h20. HOPEFULLY. im so pissed.

so today we have my housemate's bday celebration. we're going to this nice bar for drinks first at 6:30 then dinner at a tapas place. HERE'S THE THING. i'm not going to eat in front of them. done deal. over.


boys acting weird. insecure. its anoying. GET OVER IT. ITS UNATTRACTIVE.

an ode to the music festival girl

Publish Post

no good no good no good.

yesterday i had about 1100cals. terrible. BUT i stopped myself from going out and drinking more. so i suppose thats good.

Today I'm at 117.5lbs. I want to fast today and tomorrow but i'm going to this outside festival all day and its like 95 degrees here. will i pass out? i'm nervous. i'm going to get backstage. i can do it.

i really want breakfast.

but instead i'll post thinspo.

i want my friends to notice.