relief

Everyone is finally gone. No more family members, no more awards ceremonies, dinners, chauffeuring my family around, cleaning....IM DONE!!!!

Now I feel like I can give proper updates:

THE BOY: Left on Wednesday. We both cried. He told me he loved me. It was a really rough goodbye. I don't know how this relationship got so serious all the sudden but it is, and I like it. I've never been treated so well/not lied to/not cheated on but at the same time, he doesn't worship me. He still challenges me and is quick to point out when I'm being a ridiculous bitch. We ichat daily and still text all the time. Tomorrow I'm buying a ticket to see him in London for 12 days. We're splitting it. But I get to live in his parent's studio with him in Notting Hill and we're also going to spend a weekend in his country house. I'm so excited.

THE ROCKSTAR: Here's where things get messy. I love the boy. I can't wait to see him. But I feel awful that I'm still emailing the rockstar. We exchange photos (don't worry all with clothes on haha) but still. It's not right, is it? I'm a terrible person, aren't I?

SCHOOL: School is dunzo. I graduated summa cum laude and phi beta kappa. I'm a total perfectionist/ insanely competative person, which also explains my obsession with my weight. But I'm not completely finished. I start medschool at the end of July. I'm peeing in my pants I'm so nervous.

WEIGHT: After this weekend of being force-fed meals, I'm still 120lbs. BUT my mom commented on my weight and said I've gotten "really thin." She then asked me how much I weighed, which I responded, "I don't know." And then made up some bullshit about finals being stressful. I'm starting an all day fast today. Wish me luck.

In the upoming week, I have to pack my room, say good bye to my best friends, and drive all the way home. BLAHHHHHH this is hard.

high

So many things to cover, good and bad, but I'm feeling mostly good. Probably b/c of the drugs.

1. DONE WITH COLLEGE. I finished my last exam today. I'm dunzo. I'm not done w/ school forever tho. 4 mo' years for me via medical school. I love feeling the ability to do nothing. It's been so long since I've actually been bored.

2. BINGE: Yesterday, b/c of the adderall, I ate 300cals. Today, because of God-knows-why, I binged insanely. I can't even bare to write it. But I still feel happy.

3. DINNER: I went out to dinner with my sorority family for the last time since I'm graduating and they got me such nice gifts and paid for my food! Plus I loved talking to them all. They're each so different but so fucking cool. I know it's lame, and I'm not at all a sorority girl at all. But I like having these people in my life.

4. TEXT: So it's been two days since the lead singer had e-mailed me, and I had begun to worry that he moved on/met another girl/ changed his mind. But then earlier tonite, I got a wonderfully flirtatious text. AH THE SEXUAL TENSION IS KILLING ME. But I love it. I love that he texted me.

5.I'm pretty fucking baked right now. (Also contributing to the binge), but I had a wonderful night. I'm happy.


Tomorrow starts the new plan. Gym everyday. 500 cals max. I can't fast here b/c my housemates will notice. We're going to be spending a lot of time together since we're all done w/ school and not working now. I'll have to wait till June, sadly.

exhauseted

i was up until 4 30 last night finishing that paper. i felt delirious. its a terrible paper also. whatever. i'm graduating. i'm going to medical school. it's done with.

then this morning i had to wake up early for this interview thing. and i'm so tired. i can't want to fall asleep and nap all day. then i have to go to dinner. then i have to make a presentation for a class tomorrow. it never fucking ends.

since i have to go to dinner tonight and since i did so poorly yesterday, i'm going to fast all day. i know it doesn't really count if it's not even a day, but i'm just deciding i wont have anything until 9:00 PM. yesterday i ended up eating 800cals. not ok. the weird thing was i didn't binge. i just ate a lot. i have been awake for 40 of the last 48 hours though, so i figure i'm buring more calories being awake. i know they say you need to get good sleep to keep your metabolism up, but it's not to the extent that you would burn more calories than from being awake.

i wish i could write a more substantive post but i'm so fucking exhausted. all i can do is ramble.

current weight: STILL FUCKING 118lbs.

I don't understand. i'm not eating the amount of calories necessary to maintain my weight. what's going on? does anyone know?

After friday, i'll have a brief break from doing work. i'll only have to edit my thesis and study a little for an exam on wed. so that means i'm going to start my first REAL fast this weekend. just a baby one. 48 hours. but i really want to do a completely 0 calorie fast. i'll allow myself a diet arizona green tea if i need something sweet. plus since its exam time, i won't have the pressure to go out and drink. i can lie and say im doing work. perfect. the only tricky part will be hiding the fact that i'm not eating from my housemates and the boy.

speaking of which. he noticed. last night he was like, you've lost weight. i didn't say anything back. but on the inside i was so happy. i was surprised too b/c ive only really lost 7 pounds. whatever. ill take what i can get.

thought vomit

I feel separated from my friends and housemates. They don't know what's going on inside my head, but anyone who reads this does. I've become so involved in schoolwork (it's exam period) and not eating that I feel distant toward them. It is nice to read other blogs and feel part of a community, though.

The lead singer wants me to myspace him, but I haven't updated my myspace in years. OBVIOUSLY I've been obsessing about updating it and making it cool. But now, when I friend him, he'll see that everything about my profile is newly updated and know that it was for him. This is the train of thought that goes through my mind. I'm crazy right? Or just lame.

I've been doing work all day and now I have to get ready for work work at 12. Then get up early and keep writing. One of my professors gave me an extension for a paper so I HAVE to complete it by then.

The boy has been really cute today in texting. It's weird, but this is definitely the best relationship I've ever been in. And it's going to end in two weeks when he leaves for the summer and I leave for medical school. In the words of Charlie Brown, "RATS!"

Sorry this is all over the place. My brain is going a million miles a minute.

Almost forgot: right now I'm eating 100cals worth of tofu plus 5cals of vinegar making my daily total 545. Not terrible considering I will have been awake today for 20 hours.

relief

So today I had my thesis defense. They passed me! They loved it! They even wanted me to pursue publishing. I'm so happy and relieved.

This morning, I decided I'd allow myself a good breakfast so that I could be mentally prepared for the defense. I had a pretty good sized bowl of dry cereal (220 cals). When I came home from the defense, I was starving. I was so proud of myself that I thought I'd treat myself to a real lunch. But then I saw myself in the mirror in shorts that were almost falling off of me, and I LOVED the way it felt to not be disgusted by my reflection. So I decided to have a soup (another 220 cals).

I'm going to take a vyvanse and finish this paper I have due today for another class. Hopefully, I'll be able to not eat till tomorrow. But I have work tonight and I'm sure when I come home at 4 in the morning I'll be ravenous. So I've decided to allow myself to eat 600 cals today.

It's crazy. I feel guilty eating that much. But it's starving myself. I'm going to medical school next year. I know what I'm doing to myself.

I think I'll email the lead singer back today. I don't want him to forget about me. But I also don't want to be desparate. What should I do?

consistency

Yesterday I had 500cals.

Today I anticipate the same.

It's hard for me to do less than that. Especially at school. I fell like if I had a more relaxed atmosphere I could eat less and not worry about it. I'll let you all know my weight as soon as my boy leaves.

120lbs. So annoying. I want to loose those 5 pounds.

I found this quote on Tomoko's Perfect Thinspiration blog:

"The mirror hurts worse than starving."

so true.

crashhh

I have honestly been doing homework all day, and I am so sick of it. I just want to be done. So stressed. Moody. And now I have to go to work and act friendly and peppy. I can't wait for the weekend.

I had mac and cheese and a cheese stick today plus a bowl of cereal = 500cals.

little joy

So yesterday I messed up in calculating the number of calories in a bag of popcorn. Needless to say, I ate a total of 600 cals. I can't believe how quickly I've become trained to be upset at that number. Also I got full from the popcorn and felt disgusting. I hate feeling satisfied now. I weighed myself this morning (drumroll please)......119 lbs.

Took 20mg adderall today. I have to finish this thesis. Today. And not eat.

I want my clothes to hang off of me. be delicate looking.

song? mmmmmm how about "Unattainable" by Little Joy:

Only when the goal is unattainable
Do I start to feel like I'm losing myself
And this deep secret that hasn't come out yet
Is burried down deep with the rest

bones bones bones

Today will be difficult. I'm not taking any adderall, BUT I do have class from 12:30 until 8:30. Just keep busy. So far I've had cereal (170cals)...and some dexatrim.

No music for now. just work.

my boy told me he liked the way my hip bones stick out.

pills pills pills

I'm so stressed. So much to do. All due tomorrow. Wah.

I'm eating chicken breast on lettuce with vinegar (200cals).
Really probably less than that but let's judge on the side of error.

Today's total comes to a whopping 350cals. Impressive if I do say so myself.

teenage lust

So no sleep really last night from all the adderall I took, even though I smoked a lot before bedtime. Oh well. That means more calories burned. Also, I had sex twice which has to count for something too.

More pills today. Another 30mg. I have to finish my school work.

Today I've eaten: toast w/ jelly (150 cals). No more till dinner time. Then I have work tonight at 12 which means I'll be running around for another 4 hours.

Today I weigh: 122.5 lbs. Let's get to a steady 120lbs by Friday, shall we?

And now, a message from the Jesus and Mary Chain's "Teenage Lust"

Little skinny girl
She's doin it for the first time.
Little skinny girl
She's doin it and it feels fine.