put your sad face away

i have a lot of things to say so bare with me....

i started working as a waitress. i hate it. its stupid but whatever. i need dollars. also i have to pretend that a family emergency is making me quit in like 2 weeks. i feel bad lying. the owner is nice. but ill be in london. and she wouldnt have hired me if she knew i would be gone for 10 days...then gone again in a month.

somethings been up with the boy. it finally all came out yesterday. he started using heroin. i flipped my shit at him. threatened to not come. then he broke down and was like 'i NEED you.' and started begging me to still come. i told him that i didnt want to be needed. i just wanted to be loved. sometimes i feel like he enjoys being this tragic character in life whos always fucked up and depressed. like a suffering artist. you want to see fucked up? wait til you see me in london and im scary thin.

i had to take a sleeping pill to go to bed the other night bc i was so anxious. why you ask? the rockstar wants to fly me down to austin for a few days. wow. good thing im a hooker who you are paying to entertain you. also i feel like a shit for texting him all the time meanwhile im telling the boy that i love him. that makes me a terrible terrible girlfriend/whore.

my mom yelled at me bc i said something with 'an attitude.' then she told me 'whats your problem? put your sad face away.' really? fuck you. im sorry that i hate myself/have an eating disorder/that my boyfriend is on heroin/that i HATE BEING HERE/and that i feel like a dirty whore. ill just put on a happy face.

this is just feuling the fucking fire. ill show you sad face. ill show you fucked up. you fucking wait.



this is what im listening to:

melodramatic

I've been doing work all day. And I can't stop listening to this song.

Patience, shadow
With all your sight, there's no sight to see
Little shadow, little shadow
To the night, will you follow me?

Pardon, shadow,
Hold on tight to your darkened key
Little shadow, little shadow
To the night, will you follow me?

Closer, shadow,
Volume strikes, still we're caught between
All this sorrow, little shadow
To the night, will you follow me?

Every shape and size,
Deep and deep we die,
Turn and turn inside to a fantasy.
Little shadow, to the night, will you follow me?
Little shadow, to the night, will you follow me?

an ode to the music festival girl

Publish Post

no good no good no good.

yesterday i had about 1100cals. terrible. BUT i stopped myself from going out and drinking more. so i suppose thats good.

Today I'm at 117.5lbs. I want to fast today and tomorrow but i'm going to this outside festival all day and its like 95 degrees here. will i pass out? i'm nervous. i'm going to get backstage. i can do it.

i really want breakfast.

but instead i'll post thinspo.

i want my friends to notice.

music is my boyfriend

I absolutely love music. I don't know what I would do without it. I judge people based on their musical tastes, and I'm SEVERELY unattracted to guys with poor musical taste.

This in part explains my obsession w/ a rockstar who's 15 yrs older than me.

ANYWAYS I finally got my birthday present from all my friends. THEY GOT ME A FUCKING RECORD PLAYER! I wanted to cry, I was so happy. It's amazing. It even connects to my computer and I can convert records into mp3s. Incredible. No words.

Also, I was planning on binging. I almost did. With a bag of popcorn. But then I looked at some thinspo and I'm all good.

The end.

falling

Things have gone from bad to worse with the boy. He slept over last night but this morning we were still talking about the kiss with the lead singer. I'm so worried this won't get resolved. Things were going so well with him before this. And we only have 2 weeks together left. Ever.

Before we started talking about the issue, he was looking at my legs and commented how he liked how you can see the ligament that attaches my inner thigh to my groin. He's such an enabler. And he's pretty fucking skinny himself. He makes me feel like I have to be super thin to be with him. Not on purpose, I know, but still.

I'm so upset that I don't want to eat. I've become newly focused on not eating.

today:
2 dexatrim pills
20mg adderall
2 large green teas
3 slices of bunny bread (210 cals) - I know it's white bread and therefore not healthy, but it's all we have in my house.

weight: 120.5 lbs
If I really commit and don't drink (it's finals week so that will be easy), I KNOW I can get down to 115 lbs by Friday. We'll set calorie cap at 500. Plus I have two day's worth of vyvanse to help me out too.

I can't believe what I've become. What I think about. Constantly. Always.





I want to run away. Be by myself. Where I can focus on not eating completely. No school. No work. No boy drama. Just music. And me.

I'm in need of someone take care of me tonight
anyhow, anyway, so I split
like just getting out of there
is gonna get me out of this.

everything hits at once

ive been binging since wed. ive failed all week. then last night, i went to this music festival b/c the lead singer of this band ive hung out back stage with before got me free passes and everything. then i ended up taking them to my sorority formal as a joke. everyone there was like wtf and it was really fun. then i made out with the lead guy and he kept texting me all night. the boy saw and i've ruined everything with him. i was having the best day: hanging out at the festival for free, taking a bunch of famous people to my formal, and chilling with this rockstar all night. then i just fucked everything up. and i feel fat.



dont say a word
the last ones still stingin
back on my mind
i feel that phone ringin
and there is
no way back from this

everything hits at once
what we needs is just what we wants
i go to sleep but think that your next to me
i go to sleep but think your next to me

failure...again

I really don't want to write about it. But I have to so that I don't do it again. It's my punishment. Embarrassment. I hate failure.

So it's senior week for my sorority and they had the underclassmen make us baked goods...I had two handfulls of doritos and two pieces of angelfood cake with icing. I'm so ashamed. Now I don't know what my calorie total is. I am certain it is below 1000. But still. Awful.

Why can't I just keep in mind how good it felt to have a flatter stomach than any girl at the beach on Saturday? Just keep remembering that.

I forgot to put a song down for today. I'm in the mood for Nirvana's "Dumb:"

I'm not like them,
But I can pretend...

little joy

So yesterday I messed up in calculating the number of calories in a bag of popcorn. Needless to say, I ate a total of 600 cals. I can't believe how quickly I've become trained to be upset at that number. Also I got full from the popcorn and felt disgusting. I hate feeling satisfied now. I weighed myself this morning (drumroll please)......119 lbs.

Took 20mg adderall today. I have to finish this thesis. Today. And not eat.

I want my clothes to hang off of me. be delicate looking.

song? mmmmmm how about "Unattainable" by Little Joy:

Only when the goal is unattainable
Do I start to feel like I'm losing myself
And this deep secret that hasn't come out yet
Is burried down deep with the rest

teenage lust

So no sleep really last night from all the adderall I took, even though I smoked a lot before bedtime. Oh well. That means more calories burned. Also, I had sex twice which has to count for something too.

More pills today. Another 30mg. I have to finish my school work.

Today I've eaten: toast w/ jelly (150 cals). No more till dinner time. Then I have work tonight at 12 which means I'll be running around for another 4 hours.

Today I weigh: 122.5 lbs. Let's get to a steady 120lbs by Friday, shall we?

And now, a message from the Jesus and Mary Chain's "Teenage Lust"

Little skinny girl
She's doin it for the first time.
Little skinny girl
She's doin it and it feels fine.

FAIL

Yesterday major fail. Got high and ate my life away. So embarrassed that details will be withheld. Needless to say, today is a new day. And i have adderall. I've taken 20mg now, and later I'll take another 10.

I measured my cereal today, and know exactly how much I've eaten so far: 200cals.
I plan to keep it at that number.

I'm drinking a giant green tea right now too which means, combined with the adderall, my metabolism will be through the roof.

Inspiration music? How about Thieves Like Us' "Drugs in my Body."

start here

I'm doing this for myself and only myself. I want to be thin. I'm skinny. But I like thin. Trendy only works on thin. Hipster only works on thin. Feminine only works on thin. You may disagree, but these are truths. So let's begin.

Today I weigh:
124.5lbs

Today I ate:
chocolate: lets guess safely that I ate 250 cals worth
rasin bran crunch + soy milk: 350 cals
turkey sandwich: 300 cals
3 pickels: 0

It's only 3:30 and I've consumed 900 cals. Not ok.
No more for the rest of the day. Seriously. For dinner, I'll eat romaine lettuce and balsamic vinegar. Midnight snack: green tea.
Above is some inspiration.
Music to listen to? Let's go with the title of this blog, taken from Velvet Underground's "Candy Says:"

candy says,
'i've come to hate my body
and all that it requires
in this world.'