back

too much to write. so here is a brief recap:
1. leave for med school in 3 days. stressful organizing new house, furniture, moving, loans, etc.
2. londytown was amazing. im still so in love with the boy. so so much.
3. i canceled the trip to visit the leadsinger. i really could not go and see him and fuck him less than a week after london. i would have to be dead inside to do that.
4. weight is pretty much the same.


i thought about quitting this. but then i realized i couldnt do it without you all.


here's what i cant stop listening to:

and im off

ive been a terrible blogger and terrible at restricting but at least im the same weight. oh well. i have to travel all day tomorrow and tomorrow night. if i dont eat and take some diuretics, ill be thinnish when the boy picks me up at heathrow.

ill be gone for two weeks. but then ill be back. i love all you girls.

i hate failing.

sorrrrrryyyy

sorry for the absence. i've been out of town condo-hunting with my mother. i cant believe im moving in a month. crazyyyy. anyways the good news is i think weve found a place. hopefully the contract goes thru and everything.

anyways i have 7 days till the boy sees me and i want to loose 5lbs. im back to 119lbs which isnt terrible. but if i can be 114 ill be pretty happy.

the plan for today: one 190cal energy bar split in 2. and gym. if im hungry, celery. i also have to work. and run errands. so ill be keeping busy.

what im currently stressing about is work. i have to make up some elaborate lie that i have to move to mexico to be with my grandmother whos just had a stroke and care for her over the summer since we dont want to put her in a mexican nursing home and since my dad cant leave his practice and is an only child.

the only lie is that she hasnt had a stroke. she does live in mexico (im cuban and thats where my dad and his family moved after escaping) and my dad does have a private practice in cardiology that is only him so he wouldnt be able to take time off. i am just nervous about jinxing my abuelita.

the reason i have to do this is that im going out of town for 2 weeks and then i have to do this other convention modeling job for a week after that. and then i move to med school in mid july. i went into the job knowing all of this but theres no way i would get the job saying that i could only work a month. i feel bad...but what else can i do?

im off to the gym. bye loves.


ps these pics are from a blog called girl on fire.

sasha

a couple quick updates:
1. 117lbs this morning! hopefully i can keep it up this time.
2. leadsinger booked the flights. first class. bought. its official. im kind of freaking out.



no really freaking out. ive only told one of my girlfriends. and my brother. they are the only two that know who it is and whats going on. i wish i could tell you girls!




and now, a tribute to my current obsession, sasha pivovarova:

shoes

my most recent purchase. charles david. so pretty.

i need to stop wasting money when im depressed. last time i promise.

string me out

im anxious
i cant sleep anymore without pills
and you know what im most concerned about? that if my mom found this blog, or my diet pills, or anything like that...id be most embarrassed that im not skinnier. does that make sense?

im not expressing myself very clearly.

also i need to be more like this for london. and my leadsinger. both of them will like me more like this.

i wish i had a dealer here. laskdfwenfnflskdfae


i know im not being good. but i dont want to be good right now. i have the rest of my life to be good. and only 2 months left to be terrible.


im being overly dramatic i know.

alright my little darlings here's whats new:

im currently finalizing plans to be flown to ***** <--- (i can't say the city b/c im paranoid someone will figure out what band he's from and tell him that i am a crazy psycho with an blog about her ED) b/c theyre playing a show there. i feel terrible. the boy doesn't know. i cant even imagine what he would do if he found out we were still texting, much less exchaning emails with pictures attached and planning trips together.... im a terrible girlfriend. BUT im at least making it happen so that i see the rockstar AFTER i get back from london bc the boy and i will be broken up by then. were only doing the long distance thing now, before the trip and then once i leave london it's goodbye for real. am i a bad person for not feeling too guilty about this whole thing?



i made up new rules for myself:

1. no eating until 12
2. no eating after 9

its crunch time. 2 weeks till london. and a month till rockstar time

the end.

the perfect little doll

ill update you all on my life tomorrow morning.

here's some thematic thinspo in the meantime...

sigh

oh to be sasha, tanya d, or olga...





also the song is undownloadable as of now. so don't even try.





(or if you find it pretty please tell me how you got it)

retail therapy

i forgot to add that i weighed 118 this morning. hooray.

oh. and then i went to return a pair of shoes and ended up spending $70 dollars at forever21. Here's what i bought:

oversized white tank (you can't tell, but its so big you need to wear a bandeau with it):



acid wash skinnies:


new long black leggings (b/c i am to skinny/tall for my old ones):


and this really cool oversized t-shirt that i couldn't find on the site. total = $67.

then i shopped online. i'm a pro-sale shopper. really. if it's not from some shitty store like forever21, i only buy shit on sale. so here's what i got.

dolce vita platform bootie (originally priced at $218...purchased for $53):


and DKNYC platform gladiator sandals (originally $130....purchased for $71):


im not spoiled. i promise. i havent bought new shoes in a LONG time. and crappy new orleans streets/sidewalks absolutely destroyed my one pair of black heels. so these were neccessary purchases AND reasonably priced. im quite proud of myself.

now all i need to complete my wardrobe is a similar black platform sandal, a boyfriend blazer, and a leather jacket. i don't think the leather jacket is happening this year, but the blazer? yes. i would ideally like the alexander wang or elizabeth and james blazers but alas, i do not have the $400+ for either. so i must settle on urban outfitters' style for $78:




and the shoes? im still searching for the perfect pair under $200. let me know if you find them.
i really love these, but i can't spend $405 on one pair of shoes. not when im applying for thousands of dollars of loans to go to school....but i can dream, can't i?







also. i know this is supposed to be a blog about me not eating but i thought it'd be nice to share another side of myself. im really into fashion. or at least try to be. hopefully this post gives you a sense of my style....(if you can't tell, i'm not into color.)

put your sad face away

i have a lot of things to say so bare with me....

i started working as a waitress. i hate it. its stupid but whatever. i need dollars. also i have to pretend that a family emergency is making me quit in like 2 weeks. i feel bad lying. the owner is nice. but ill be in london. and she wouldnt have hired me if she knew i would be gone for 10 days...then gone again in a month.

somethings been up with the boy. it finally all came out yesterday. he started using heroin. i flipped my shit at him. threatened to not come. then he broke down and was like 'i NEED you.' and started begging me to still come. i told him that i didnt want to be needed. i just wanted to be loved. sometimes i feel like he enjoys being this tragic character in life whos always fucked up and depressed. like a suffering artist. you want to see fucked up? wait til you see me in london and im scary thin.

i had to take a sleeping pill to go to bed the other night bc i was so anxious. why you ask? the rockstar wants to fly me down to austin for a few days. wow. good thing im a hooker who you are paying to entertain you. also i feel like a shit for texting him all the time meanwhile im telling the boy that i love him. that makes me a terrible terrible girlfriend/whore.

my mom yelled at me bc i said something with 'an attitude.' then she told me 'whats your problem? put your sad face away.' really? fuck you. im sorry that i hate myself/have an eating disorder/that my boyfriend is on heroin/that i HATE BEING HERE/and that i feel like a dirty whore. ill just put on a happy face.

this is just feuling the fucking fire. ill show you sad face. ill show you fucked up. you fucking wait.



this is what im listening to:

119

yay!

so yesterday i felt terrible after coming back from the gym. so i ate 150cals worth of bread and crackers. felt better. still hungry enough to wake up today and be...119! yay!

i'm going to keep going.

today so far has not been excellent: 340cals. BUT 2 good things: 1. i really REALLY REALLY craved something sweet so i chewed and spit a brownie and a cookie. NO SWALLOWING. promise. and 2. my plan says i'll have a chicken soup buillon for dinner AND workout. so ideally, i'll end around 360.

my mom's been acting weird. today she just texted me and asked what i was doing. she never conversationally texts...i hope she's not suspecting anything.

this is all that's keeping me going. (watch it in HQ. it makes a huge difference and looks so much clearer)

anja rubik:


edita vilkeviciute:

aspirations

writing out my failure, while altho painful, has been helpful today. also i think it helped for me to plan out exactly what i would eat. so today i had:

cup of light soy milk: 70cals
100cal pack of popcorn: 100cals
power bar: 180cals
large coffee: 10cals?
2 pickels: 10cals

total: 370cals

pretty successful. i planned on having my power bar for dinner, and i did. but then my mom made beef stew and stayed in the kitchen till i was done. but all i did was cut everything up, move it around my plate, and eat 3 green beans. then i threw it away. i think she's getting suspicious tho. today she asked me if i had eaten anything.

oh and i almost forgot! both today and yesterday i went to the gym! yesterday i did about 500cals and today only 360. i was so shaky tho from the coffee and i started using slimquick which has an unspecified amt of caffeine. im so jittery on the inside. i dont like this feeling.

what i DO like is that i feel hungry. really hungry. i want to savor it.

im posting thinspo of what i aspire to be. beautifully thin and wreckless-looking. (at least as wreckless as a future med student can be...)