119

yay!

so yesterday i felt terrible after coming back from the gym. so i ate 150cals worth of bread and crackers. felt better. still hungry enough to wake up today and be...119! yay!

i'm going to keep going.

today so far has not been excellent: 340cals. BUT 2 good things: 1. i really REALLY REALLY craved something sweet so i chewed and spit a brownie and a cookie. NO SWALLOWING. promise. and 2. my plan says i'll have a chicken soup buillon for dinner AND workout. so ideally, i'll end around 360.

my mom's been acting weird. today she just texted me and asked what i was doing. she never conversationally texts...i hope she's not suspecting anything.

this is all that's keeping me going. (watch it in HQ. it makes a huge difference and looks so much clearer)

anja rubik:


edita vilkeviciute:

aspirations

writing out my failure, while altho painful, has been helpful today. also i think it helped for me to plan out exactly what i would eat. so today i had:

cup of light soy milk: 70cals
100cal pack of popcorn: 100cals
power bar: 180cals
large coffee: 10cals?
2 pickels: 10cals

total: 370cals

pretty successful. i planned on having my power bar for dinner, and i did. but then my mom made beef stew and stayed in the kitchen till i was done. but all i did was cut everything up, move it around my plate, and eat 3 green beans. then i threw it away. i think she's getting suspicious tho. today she asked me if i had eaten anything.

oh and i almost forgot! both today and yesterday i went to the gym! yesterday i did about 500cals and today only 360. i was so shaky tho from the coffee and i started using slimquick which has an unspecified amt of caffeine. im so jittery on the inside. i dont like this feeling.

what i DO like is that i feel hungry. really hungry. i want to savor it.

im posting thinspo of what i aspire to be. beautifully thin and wreckless-looking. (at least as wreckless as a future med student can be...)

can you ever just be whelmed?

im still too busy to give a proper update. let me just tell you everything ive done today:

Made trips to walgreens, the recycling, american apparel.
Ichatted with the boy
Cleaned the ENTIRE HOUSE (everyone is coming for graduation on saturday)
Went to this honors reception to get my honors cord (summa cum laude, what whatttttt)
Cleaned my whole bathroom
Did a load of laundry

Now I have to go into work. My first time bartending. There's a huge special tonite and a party. im nervous.

weight: steady 120lbs. (again i'm really trying to focus on the positive in that even tho i've been TERRIBLE and binged for 4 days straight, i've never been able to maintain this weight. yay!)
cals: 280

i cheated a little. i had so much to do and wanted to start not eating again so i took a vyvanse. just a baby one. only 30mg. i have 3 left. i'm saving them for the next 3 days so that i wont eat at all these events i have to go to.

i dont know how i feel. proud of myself? yes. depressed and alone? yes. overwhelmed? yes.
it's like i have so much to do, i can't even process any of my emotions.


again. another post filled with nothing of substance. i promise i'll do better soon

time for a change

I'm done with classes. Done with college. First day with nothing to do but what I want to do. Perfect for starting anew with my weightloss. FIRST I'd like to point out that it's been almost a month since I've stayed at or below 120lbs which I'm proud about. I haven't been this steadily at 120 since middle school. But enough with the positive thinking. It's time to get serious. It's time for a change in how I do this.




A little surreal thinspo/thematic connection from H&M's new commercial.

Here are my rules:

1. No eating until at least 2 hours after I wake up.
2. No eating after 9
3. 2 liters of H2O a day
4.Do drugs over alcohol if possible

These are modified rules obviously for the time that I'm still at school. Since I'm going to be finishing up my lease down here and around all my friends until the end of May, severe restricting and going to the gym everyday simply isn't realistic or subtle. Once I get home in June, I'll be able to work out a lot and fast. That will be the first order of business actually. A fast.

Today was lovely. I had a 200cal salad split up into two meals. And a half of a graham cracker with some peanut butter: 80cals. Then a diet lemon snapple. 0cals. Total? 280. Tonite will be difficult. I'll have to drink. But since I'm not really eating, I'm sure I'll be plenty tipsy after 3 shots (300cals). I know that's not good, but I don't know how to escape the reality of my college/friends/social scene. Plus, this is the last 2 weeks I'll be spending with all of them and I don't want to be a debbie downer and unfun. Any suggestions??

high

So many things to cover, good and bad, but I'm feeling mostly good. Probably b/c of the drugs.

1. DONE WITH COLLEGE. I finished my last exam today. I'm dunzo. I'm not done w/ school forever tho. 4 mo' years for me via medical school. I love feeling the ability to do nothing. It's been so long since I've actually been bored.

2. BINGE: Yesterday, b/c of the adderall, I ate 300cals. Today, because of God-knows-why, I binged insanely. I can't even bare to write it. But I still feel happy.

3. DINNER: I went out to dinner with my sorority family for the last time since I'm graduating and they got me such nice gifts and paid for my food! Plus I loved talking to them all. They're each so different but so fucking cool. I know it's lame, and I'm not at all a sorority girl at all. But I like having these people in my life.

4. TEXT: So it's been two days since the lead singer had e-mailed me, and I had begun to worry that he moved on/met another girl/ changed his mind. But then earlier tonite, I got a wonderfully flirtatious text. AH THE SEXUAL TENSION IS KILLING ME. But I love it. I love that he texted me.

5.I'm pretty fucking baked right now. (Also contributing to the binge), but I had a wonderful night. I'm happy.


Tomorrow starts the new plan. Gym everyday. 500 cals max. I can't fast here b/c my housemates will notice. We're going to be spending a lot of time together since we're all done w/ school and not working now. I'll have to wait till June, sadly.

disappointment

I can't believe it. I'm actually 120. That's what the scale said this morning again. I don't understand. I am a terrible perfectionist. I have a 3.93. I HATE FAILURE. I can't deal with it. So what the fuck am I doing?

I haven't been committing. Just wait. I KNOW that once I'm done with exams, I'll be at the gym everyday. I'll stop eating. It will be perfect. I know it.

Adderall for now. Then I have to go to some stupid banquet for this award I'm getting. I just won't eat. It will be fine.

Ok so I'm going to medical school next year, and the boy is still going to be in college. This means we only have until the end of school together. Well his bitch mom booked his flight home yesterday for this Thursday and he asked her to please change it, but she refused. I was so upset. Lately we had been at each other's throats because of exams and the relationship has been nothing like it was in the beginning. I really didn't want the last thing of our relationship that he remembers is me bitching at him.
Well, he came over last night to study in my room with me, and he was smiling ear-to-ear. I was like what's up. He told me he went ahead and changed the flight anyways with his dad's credit card for the 14th! I was so happy! And then we started playing around like we used to. Here's the problem. I really think I love him. There were times last night where I thought he was going to say it too. Instead, I just opted for, "I'm really glad this happened." But I don't know what to do. I'm so weak. How does this happen?

...120...

what the fuck.
ok so i ate 1600 cals yesterady (overestimate) but i was in the sun all day, running around, dancing, sweating. WAY more active than my sedentary study life.

how does that equal 3 pounds? im thinking that since i didnt drink ANY water and only had diet tea drinks, i retained lots of h20. HOPEFULLY. im so pissed.

so today we have my housemate's bday celebration. we're going to this nice bar for drinks first at 6:30 then dinner at a tapas place. HERE'S THE THING. i'm not going to eat in front of them. done deal. over.


boys acting weird. insecure. its anoying. GET OVER IT. ITS UNATTRACTIVE.

an ode to the music festival girl

Publish Post

no good no good no good.

yesterday i had about 1100cals. terrible. BUT i stopped myself from going out and drinking more. so i suppose thats good.

Today I'm at 117.5lbs. I want to fast today and tomorrow but i'm going to this outside festival all day and its like 95 degrees here. will i pass out? i'm nervous. i'm going to get backstage. i can do it.

i really want breakfast.

but instead i'll post thinspo.

i want my friends to notice.

exhauseted

i was up until 4 30 last night finishing that paper. i felt delirious. its a terrible paper also. whatever. i'm graduating. i'm going to medical school. it's done with.

then this morning i had to wake up early for this interview thing. and i'm so tired. i can't want to fall asleep and nap all day. then i have to go to dinner. then i have to make a presentation for a class tomorrow. it never fucking ends.

since i have to go to dinner tonight and since i did so poorly yesterday, i'm going to fast all day. i know it doesn't really count if it's not even a day, but i'm just deciding i wont have anything until 9:00 PM. yesterday i ended up eating 800cals. not ok. the weird thing was i didn't binge. i just ate a lot. i have been awake for 40 of the last 48 hours though, so i figure i'm buring more calories being awake. i know they say you need to get good sleep to keep your metabolism up, but it's not to the extent that you would burn more calories than from being awake.

i wish i could write a more substantive post but i'm so fucking exhausted. all i can do is ramble.

current weight: STILL FUCKING 118lbs.

I don't understand. i'm not eating the amount of calories necessary to maintain my weight. what's going on? does anyone know?

After friday, i'll have a brief break from doing work. i'll only have to edit my thesis and study a little for an exam on wed. so that means i'm going to start my first REAL fast this weekend. just a baby one. 48 hours. but i really want to do a completely 0 calorie fast. i'll allow myself a diet arizona green tea if i need something sweet. plus since its exam time, i won't have the pressure to go out and drink. i can lie and say im doing work. perfect. the only tricky part will be hiding the fact that i'm not eating from my housemates and the boy.

speaking of which. he noticed. last night he was like, you've lost weight. i didn't say anything back. but on the inside i was so happy. i was surprised too b/c ive only really lost 7 pounds. whatever. ill take what i can get.

thought vomit

I feel separated from my friends and housemates. They don't know what's going on inside my head, but anyone who reads this does. I've become so involved in schoolwork (it's exam period) and not eating that I feel distant toward them. It is nice to read other blogs and feel part of a community, though.

The lead singer wants me to myspace him, but I haven't updated my myspace in years. OBVIOUSLY I've been obsessing about updating it and making it cool. But now, when I friend him, he'll see that everything about my profile is newly updated and know that it was for him. This is the train of thought that goes through my mind. I'm crazy right? Or just lame.

I've been doing work all day and now I have to get ready for work work at 12. Then get up early and keep writing. One of my professors gave me an extension for a paper so I HAVE to complete it by then.

The boy has been really cute today in texting. It's weird, but this is definitely the best relationship I've ever been in. And it's going to end in two weeks when he leaves for the summer and I leave for medical school. In the words of Charlie Brown, "RATS!"

Sorry this is all over the place. My brain is going a million miles a minute.

Almost forgot: right now I'm eating 100cals worth of tofu plus 5cals of vinegar making my daily total 545. Not terrible considering I will have been awake today for 20 hours.

relief

So today I had my thesis defense. They passed me! They loved it! They even wanted me to pursue publishing. I'm so happy and relieved.

This morning, I decided I'd allow myself a good breakfast so that I could be mentally prepared for the defense. I had a pretty good sized bowl of dry cereal (220 cals). When I came home from the defense, I was starving. I was so proud of myself that I thought I'd treat myself to a real lunch. But then I saw myself in the mirror in shorts that were almost falling off of me, and I LOVED the way it felt to not be disgusted by my reflection. So I decided to have a soup (another 220 cals).

I'm going to take a vyvanse and finish this paper I have due today for another class. Hopefully, I'll be able to not eat till tomorrow. But I have work tonight and I'm sure when I come home at 4 in the morning I'll be ravenous. So I've decided to allow myself to eat 600 cals today.

It's crazy. I feel guilty eating that much. But it's starving myself. I'm going to medical school next year. I know what I'm doing to myself.

I think I'll email the lead singer back today. I don't want him to forget about me. But I also don't want to be desparate. What should I do?

rockstar

The lead singer emailed me. And texted. This is so weird. I can't believe he's still interested. THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL. But I have to keep this to myself so that the boy doesn't know. And my girlfriends would disapprove. I WANT TO TELL SOMEONE SO BADLY!

They're recording next week...maybe I'll get a shout out indirectly through some obscure lyrics.

Anyways, so far so good. I've already drank a liter of water today and had a cup of green tea. Also, my sorority isn't having dinner after chapter tonight; so, I won't have any excuse to binge on delicious catered food.

I just know I can be 115lbs.

He will like that. You need to be thin to be indie. It sounds so lame, but it's true. The lead singer of the Kings of Leon just came out saying he has anorexia because there's so much pressure on girls AND boys in the indie scene to be thin. It's because being apathetic is cool. Which includes being apathetic about eating. And you're supposed to do drugs/be wreckless which almost certainly does not include gorging yourself with food.

Total caloric intake for today: 405

Rockstar/indie/hipster/cool thinspo just for today's theme.

morning

So like 5 seconds after I posted that the boy texted. We made up. Things are good. We had crazy good sex last night. I ended up eating a mac n cheese so my total calorie intake was 480.

Today I have a bajillion things to do. Going to take a vyvanse. So far I've eaten 2 1/2 pieces of bread = 175cals.

I weighed 118 this morning. I know it's because the adderall dehydrates you, but my skinny jeans are so loose on me today. It feels great.

I'm in a good mood. But I hate that the boy has that much control over my emotions.

falling

Things have gone from bad to worse with the boy. He slept over last night but this morning we were still talking about the kiss with the lead singer. I'm so worried this won't get resolved. Things were going so well with him before this. And we only have 2 weeks together left. Ever.

Before we started talking about the issue, he was looking at my legs and commented how he liked how you can see the ligament that attaches my inner thigh to my groin. He's such an enabler. And he's pretty fucking skinny himself. He makes me feel like I have to be super thin to be with him. Not on purpose, I know, but still.

I'm so upset that I don't want to eat. I've become newly focused on not eating.

today:
2 dexatrim pills
20mg adderall
2 large green teas
3 slices of bunny bread (210 cals) - I know it's white bread and therefore not healthy, but it's all we have in my house.

weight: 120.5 lbs
If I really commit and don't drink (it's finals week so that will be easy), I KNOW I can get down to 115 lbs by Friday. We'll set calorie cap at 500. Plus I have two day's worth of vyvanse to help me out too.

I can't believe what I've become. What I think about. Constantly. Always.





I want to run away. Be by myself. Where I can focus on not eating completely. No school. No work. No boy drama. Just music. And me.

I'm in need of someone take care of me tonight
anyhow, anyway, so I split
like just getting out of there
is gonna get me out of this.

jinx

Definitely jinxed myself yesterday. I went to a party at my professors house and binged. I probably had 2000 cals yesterday. Today I've already had 2 bowls of cereal and its not even noon (I have been awake since 8 though) But still. 500 cals already. In stead of beating myself up I'm going to focus on the positive. While I did binge, it certainly was not enough to make me gain weight. I'm barely over my daily caloric intake. That means I'm just maintaining the weight that I'm at (120lbs). There's another positive. I haven't been a steady 120 since my freshman year of high school.

Tonight is this annual dinner my sorority has with alumnae and the only way I'll forgive myself for yesterday and today is by only eating a salad with balsamic vineger (no oil). I'll tell people I'm not hungry, I don't like what's being served, or that I feel nauseaus. I'm going to take an adderall at 2 PM so that I won't eat at the dinner either. It will be perfect.

consistency

Yesterday I had 500cals.

Today I anticipate the same.

It's hard for me to do less than that. Especially at school. I fell like if I had a more relaxed atmosphere I could eat less and not worry about it. I'll let you all know my weight as soon as my boy leaves.

120lbs. So annoying. I want to loose those 5 pounds.

I found this quote on Tomoko's Perfect Thinspiration blog:

"The mirror hurts worse than starving."

so true.

must resist

I need to resist the urge to eat. I want to so badly. I can't stop thinking about it. I've already eaten 320 cals today. MUST STOP NOW. So I'm writing instead.

I know that if I eat, I'll feel like shit. I'll feel worthless. I know this. So why do I want to do it anyways? I'm a smart girl. I need to start acting like it.

failure...again

I really don't want to write about it. But I have to so that I don't do it again. It's my punishment. Embarrassment. I hate failure.

So it's senior week for my sorority and they had the underclassmen make us baked goods...I had two handfulls of doritos and two pieces of angelfood cake with icing. I'm so ashamed. Now I don't know what my calorie total is. I am certain it is below 1000. But still. Awful.

Why can't I just keep in mind how good it felt to have a flatter stomach than any girl at the beach on Saturday? Just keep remembering that.

I forgot to put a song down for today. I'm in the mood for Nirvana's "Dumb:"

I'm not like them,
But I can pretend...

back

So I'm back. After 3 days of binge drinking, eating, not sleeping, and snorting an entire gram of coke to myself, I didn't gain ALL the weight back. I'm at 121 lbs. which isn't too bad. I'm so stressed though. I can't write much more today.

2 dexatrim pills
green tea
cereal (175cals)
seaweed salad (100cals)
cheese stick (70cals)

crashhh

I have honestly been doing homework all day, and I am so sick of it. I just want to be done. So stressed. Moody. And now I have to go to work and act friendly and peppy. I can't wait for the weekend.

I had mac and cheese and a cheese stick today plus a bowl of cereal = 500cals.