take me home

yesterday was a terrible terrible day.

i had to say goodbye to my best friends of 4 years. i know ill see them again. but it wont be the same. i wont be living with them. or around them.

i had to say goodbye to new orleans. the city changes you. it haunts you and stays with you and once youve lived there, youll never forget it.

i made the 11+ hour drive home. alone. got a ticket.

had a rediculous panic attack when i came home to realize my mother had moved my room into my brothers room (half the size of my room at school) but kept all my furniture so the result was an extremely claustrophobic space with old lady decoration. it was then i realized that i wasnt home. new orleans was my home. my room there was decorated by me. full of windows and space that i loved. i am not home. im in limbo. i couldnt stop hysterically crying/hyperventilating so i took a vicodin that i had saved. called the boy (it was like 5 in the morning london time) who was amazing and listened until the pill kicked in. then i went to sleep.


today i feel better. i had my mom take out old furniture that i didnt need to open up the room, i moved in ALL of my shit and organized it. AND even tho yesterday was a binge day, i weighed 119.5lbs this morning.

also at least i wont be here for long. i bought my tickets for my trip to london (the boy is splitting it) so theres two weeks out of my summer here. and i move to med school in late july. so its not so bad i suppose.

can you ever just be whelmed?

im still too busy to give a proper update. let me just tell you everything ive done today:

Made trips to walgreens, the recycling, american apparel.
Ichatted with the boy
Cleaned the ENTIRE HOUSE (everyone is coming for graduation on saturday)
Went to this honors reception to get my honors cord (summa cum laude, what whatttttt)
Cleaned my whole bathroom
Did a load of laundry

Now I have to go into work. My first time bartending. There's a huge special tonite and a party. im nervous.

weight: steady 120lbs. (again i'm really trying to focus on the positive in that even tho i've been TERRIBLE and binged for 4 days straight, i've never been able to maintain this weight. yay!)
cals: 280

i cheated a little. i had so much to do and wanted to start not eating again so i took a vyvanse. just a baby one. only 30mg. i have 3 left. i'm saving them for the next 3 days so that i wont eat at all these events i have to go to.

i dont know how i feel. proud of myself? yes. depressed and alone? yes. overwhelmed? yes.
it's like i have so much to do, i can't even process any of my emotions.


again. another post filled with nothing of substance. i promise i'll do better soon

disappointment

I can't believe it. I'm actually 120. That's what the scale said this morning again. I don't understand. I am a terrible perfectionist. I have a 3.93. I HATE FAILURE. I can't deal with it. So what the fuck am I doing?

I haven't been committing. Just wait. I KNOW that once I'm done with exams, I'll be at the gym everyday. I'll stop eating. It will be perfect. I know it.

Adderall for now. Then I have to go to some stupid banquet for this award I'm getting. I just won't eat. It will be fine.

Ok so I'm going to medical school next year, and the boy is still going to be in college. This means we only have until the end of school together. Well his bitch mom booked his flight home yesterday for this Thursday and he asked her to please change it, but she refused. I was so upset. Lately we had been at each other's throats because of exams and the relationship has been nothing like it was in the beginning. I really didn't want the last thing of our relationship that he remembers is me bitching at him.
Well, he came over last night to study in my room with me, and he was smiling ear-to-ear. I was like what's up. He told me he went ahead and changed the flight anyways with his dad's credit card for the 14th! I was so happy! And then we started playing around like we used to. Here's the problem. I really think I love him. There were times last night where I thought he was going to say it too. Instead, I just opted for, "I'm really glad this happened." But I don't know what to do. I'm so weak. How does this happen?

dazed

I've been in a daze all day. It's terrible. Especially because I have so much shit to do. I think it's because I'm not any pills today. Only dexatrim.

I'm holding steady at 118lbs. Boring. Annoying.

Sigh.

I need to get out of this rut.

relief

So today I had my thesis defense. They passed me! They loved it! They even wanted me to pursue publishing. I'm so happy and relieved.

This morning, I decided I'd allow myself a good breakfast so that I could be mentally prepared for the defense. I had a pretty good sized bowl of dry cereal (220 cals). When I came home from the defense, I was starving. I was so proud of myself that I thought I'd treat myself to a real lunch. But then I saw myself in the mirror in shorts that were almost falling off of me, and I LOVED the way it felt to not be disgusted by my reflection. So I decided to have a soup (another 220 cals).

I'm going to take a vyvanse and finish this paper I have due today for another class. Hopefully, I'll be able to not eat till tomorrow. But I have work tonight and I'm sure when I come home at 4 in the morning I'll be ravenous. So I've decided to allow myself to eat 600 cals today.

It's crazy. I feel guilty eating that much. But it's starving myself. I'm going to medical school next year. I know what I'm doing to myself.

I think I'll email the lead singer back today. I don't want him to forget about me. But I also don't want to be desparate. What should I do?

morning

So like 5 seconds after I posted that the boy texted. We made up. Things are good. We had crazy good sex last night. I ended up eating a mac n cheese so my total calorie intake was 480.

Today I have a bajillion things to do. Going to take a vyvanse. So far I've eaten 2 1/2 pieces of bread = 175cals.

I weighed 118 this morning. I know it's because the adderall dehydrates you, but my skinny jeans are so loose on me today. It feels great.

I'm in a good mood. But I hate that the boy has that much control over my emotions.

falling

Things have gone from bad to worse with the boy. He slept over last night but this morning we were still talking about the kiss with the lead singer. I'm so worried this won't get resolved. Things were going so well with him before this. And we only have 2 weeks together left. Ever.

Before we started talking about the issue, he was looking at my legs and commented how he liked how you can see the ligament that attaches my inner thigh to my groin. He's such an enabler. And he's pretty fucking skinny himself. He makes me feel like I have to be super thin to be with him. Not on purpose, I know, but still.

I'm so upset that I don't want to eat. I've become newly focused on not eating.

today:
2 dexatrim pills
20mg adderall
2 large green teas
3 slices of bunny bread (210 cals) - I know it's white bread and therefore not healthy, but it's all we have in my house.

weight: 120.5 lbs
If I really commit and don't drink (it's finals week so that will be easy), I KNOW I can get down to 115 lbs by Friday. We'll set calorie cap at 500. Plus I have two day's worth of vyvanse to help me out too.

I can't believe what I've become. What I think about. Constantly. Always.





I want to run away. Be by myself. Where I can focus on not eating completely. No school. No work. No boy drama. Just music. And me.

I'm in need of someone take care of me tonight
anyhow, anyway, so I split
like just getting out of there
is gonna get me out of this.

jinx

Definitely jinxed myself yesterday. I went to a party at my professors house and binged. I probably had 2000 cals yesterday. Today I've already had 2 bowls of cereal and its not even noon (I have been awake since 8 though) But still. 500 cals already. In stead of beating myself up I'm going to focus on the positive. While I did binge, it certainly was not enough to make me gain weight. I'm barely over my daily caloric intake. That means I'm just maintaining the weight that I'm at (120lbs). There's another positive. I haven't been a steady 120 since my freshman year of high school.

Tonight is this annual dinner my sorority has with alumnae and the only way I'll forgive myself for yesterday and today is by only eating a salad with balsamic vineger (no oil). I'll tell people I'm not hungry, I don't like what's being served, or that I feel nauseaus. I'm going to take an adderall at 2 PM so that I won't eat at the dinner either. It will be perfect.

salvation

Salvation in the form of 20mg of adderall. Thank you boy. With you complimenting my bones and your drug connections you enable my disorder. Thank you. This could not be done with out you.

back

So I'm back. After 3 days of binge drinking, eating, not sleeping, and snorting an entire gram of coke to myself, I didn't gain ALL the weight back. I'm at 121 lbs. which isn't too bad. I'm so stressed though. I can't write much more today.

2 dexatrim pills
green tea
cereal (175cals)
seaweed salad (100cals)
cheese stick (70cals)

euphoria

i dont know if this is the stimulants talking but...i fucking love this feeling. i love feeling thin. i love the feeling i get when people look at me. i want them to envy me.

i have to keep going. but not to worry. i do not want to look skeletal a la anorexic nicole richie. i just want to be pretty thin. i need to remember this feeling when i get the craving to eat again.

it was amazing. all i had yesterday was a bowl of cereal, lettuce and vinegar, popcorn, and steamed broccoli with a little tofu. i felt like a fatass eating that much and it was only 600 cals.

im ranting. but ive never felt this way before. its amazing. euphoric.

little joy

So yesterday I messed up in calculating the number of calories in a bag of popcorn. Needless to say, I ate a total of 600 cals. I can't believe how quickly I've become trained to be upset at that number. Also I got full from the popcorn and felt disgusting. I hate feeling satisfied now. I weighed myself this morning (drumroll please)......119 lbs.

Took 20mg adderall today. I have to finish this thesis. Today. And not eat.

I want my clothes to hang off of me. be delicate looking.

song? mmmmmm how about "Unattainable" by Little Joy:

Only when the goal is unattainable
Do I start to feel like I'm losing myself
And this deep secret that hasn't come out yet
Is burried down deep with the rest

bones bones bones

Today will be difficult. I'm not taking any adderall, BUT I do have class from 12:30 until 8:30. Just keep busy. So far I've had cereal (170cals)...and some dexatrim.

No music for now. just work.

my boy told me he liked the way my hip bones stick out.

teenage lust

So no sleep really last night from all the adderall I took, even though I smoked a lot before bedtime. Oh well. That means more calories burned. Also, I had sex twice which has to count for something too.

More pills today. Another 30mg. I have to finish my school work.

Today I've eaten: toast w/ jelly (150 cals). No more till dinner time. Then I have work tonight at 12 which means I'll be running around for another 4 hours.

Today I weigh: 122.5 lbs. Let's get to a steady 120lbs by Friday, shall we?

And now, a message from the Jesus and Mary Chain's "Teenage Lust"

Little skinny girl
She's doin it for the first time.
Little skinny girl
She's doin it and it feels fine.

failing not so badly after all

So it's 10:52, and the only other thing I ate today was instant mac and cheese with half a cheese stick (300 cals) making my total intake for today 500 cals.

I would like to thank two large green teas and 30mg of adderall for this award.

I'm off to pick the boy up from the airport. Then smoke so I can sleep. I won't eat if I'm with him.
And sex will be like -50 cals at least. I always feel like they overestimate how much you burn from fucking.

FAIL

Yesterday major fail. Got high and ate my life away. So embarrassed that details will be withheld. Needless to say, today is a new day. And i have adderall. I've taken 20mg now, and later I'll take another 10.

I measured my cereal today, and know exactly how much I've eaten so far: 200cals.
I plan to keep it at that number.

I'm drinking a giant green tea right now too which means, combined with the adderall, my metabolism will be through the roof.

Inspiration music? How about Thieves Like Us' "Drugs in my Body."