retail therapy

i forgot to add that i weighed 118 this morning. hooray.

oh. and then i went to return a pair of shoes and ended up spending $70 dollars at forever21. Here's what i bought:

oversized white tank (you can't tell, but its so big you need to wear a bandeau with it):



acid wash skinnies:


new long black leggings (b/c i am to skinny/tall for my old ones):


and this really cool oversized t-shirt that i couldn't find on the site. total = $67.

then i shopped online. i'm a pro-sale shopper. really. if it's not from some shitty store like forever21, i only buy shit on sale. so here's what i got.

dolce vita platform bootie (originally priced at $218...purchased for $53):


and DKNYC platform gladiator sandals (originally $130....purchased for $71):


im not spoiled. i promise. i havent bought new shoes in a LONG time. and crappy new orleans streets/sidewalks absolutely destroyed my one pair of black heels. so these were neccessary purchases AND reasonably priced. im quite proud of myself.

now all i need to complete my wardrobe is a similar black platform sandal, a boyfriend blazer, and a leather jacket. i don't think the leather jacket is happening this year, but the blazer? yes. i would ideally like the alexander wang or elizabeth and james blazers but alas, i do not have the $400+ for either. so i must settle on urban outfitters' style for $78:




and the shoes? im still searching for the perfect pair under $200. let me know if you find them.
i really love these, but i can't spend $405 on one pair of shoes. not when im applying for thousands of dollars of loans to go to school....but i can dream, can't i?







also. i know this is supposed to be a blog about me not eating but i thought it'd be nice to share another side of myself. im really into fashion. or at least try to be. hopefully this post gives you a sense of my style....(if you can't tell, i'm not into color.)

put your sad face away

i have a lot of things to say so bare with me....

i started working as a waitress. i hate it. its stupid but whatever. i need dollars. also i have to pretend that a family emergency is making me quit in like 2 weeks. i feel bad lying. the owner is nice. but ill be in london. and she wouldnt have hired me if she knew i would be gone for 10 days...then gone again in a month.

somethings been up with the boy. it finally all came out yesterday. he started using heroin. i flipped my shit at him. threatened to not come. then he broke down and was like 'i NEED you.' and started begging me to still come. i told him that i didnt want to be needed. i just wanted to be loved. sometimes i feel like he enjoys being this tragic character in life whos always fucked up and depressed. like a suffering artist. you want to see fucked up? wait til you see me in london and im scary thin.

i had to take a sleeping pill to go to bed the other night bc i was so anxious. why you ask? the rockstar wants to fly me down to austin for a few days. wow. good thing im a hooker who you are paying to entertain you. also i feel like a shit for texting him all the time meanwhile im telling the boy that i love him. that makes me a terrible terrible girlfriend/whore.

my mom yelled at me bc i said something with 'an attitude.' then she told me 'whats your problem? put your sad face away.' really? fuck you. im sorry that i hate myself/have an eating disorder/that my boyfriend is on heroin/that i HATE BEING HERE/and that i feel like a dirty whore. ill just put on a happy face.

this is just feuling the fucking fire. ill show you sad face. ill show you fucked up. you fucking wait.



this is what im listening to:

119

yay!

so yesterday i felt terrible after coming back from the gym. so i ate 150cals worth of bread and crackers. felt better. still hungry enough to wake up today and be...119! yay!

i'm going to keep going.

today so far has not been excellent: 340cals. BUT 2 good things: 1. i really REALLY REALLY craved something sweet so i chewed and spit a brownie and a cookie. NO SWALLOWING. promise. and 2. my plan says i'll have a chicken soup buillon for dinner AND workout. so ideally, i'll end around 360.

my mom's been acting weird. today she just texted me and asked what i was doing. she never conversationally texts...i hope she's not suspecting anything.

this is all that's keeping me going. (watch it in HQ. it makes a huge difference and looks so much clearer)

anja rubik:


edita vilkeviciute:

aspirations

writing out my failure, while altho painful, has been helpful today. also i think it helped for me to plan out exactly what i would eat. so today i had:

cup of light soy milk: 70cals
100cal pack of popcorn: 100cals
power bar: 180cals
large coffee: 10cals?
2 pickels: 10cals

total: 370cals

pretty successful. i planned on having my power bar for dinner, and i did. but then my mom made beef stew and stayed in the kitchen till i was done. but all i did was cut everything up, move it around my plate, and eat 3 green beans. then i threw it away. i think she's getting suspicious tho. today she asked me if i had eaten anything.

oh and i almost forgot! both today and yesterday i went to the gym! yesterday i did about 500cals and today only 360. i was so shaky tho from the coffee and i started using slimquick which has an unspecified amt of caffeine. im so jittery on the inside. i dont like this feeling.

what i DO like is that i feel hungry. really hungry. i want to savor it.

im posting thinspo of what i aspire to be. beautifully thin and wreckless-looking. (at least as wreckless as a future med student can be...)

-

ive been a terrible blogger lately. i dont want to write about my failures. im such a perfectionist and so fucking competitive that it KILLS me to admit weakness. so here i go

this is what ive discovered. i can do a great job all day of restricting on my own. really. i can. then when i finally decide to let myself have a little 100cal meal or whatever, it turns into a binge. binging turns into more binging b/c i view calorie counts in days not weeks. so ill think to myself 'well, ive already fucked this day up. might as well embrace it and start again tomorrow.'

luckily this hasnt translated to massive weight gain. im only 1 pound over 120 but i started my period and im so fucking bloated i dont even want to leave the house. i know ill be 120 tomorrow when it subsides.

but i need to be

completely and entirely need to be

115 by the 17th of june

i can do it. i know i can.



heres my newest method of thinspo: runway video collages of models.
ill start you out with my newest model obsession: Tanya Dziahileva

take me home

yesterday was a terrible terrible day.

i had to say goodbye to my best friends of 4 years. i know ill see them again. but it wont be the same. i wont be living with them. or around them.

i had to say goodbye to new orleans. the city changes you. it haunts you and stays with you and once youve lived there, youll never forget it.

i made the 11+ hour drive home. alone. got a ticket.

had a rediculous panic attack when i came home to realize my mother had moved my room into my brothers room (half the size of my room at school) but kept all my furniture so the result was an extremely claustrophobic space with old lady decoration. it was then i realized that i wasnt home. new orleans was my home. my room there was decorated by me. full of windows and space that i loved. i am not home. im in limbo. i couldnt stop hysterically crying/hyperventilating so i took a vicodin that i had saved. called the boy (it was like 5 in the morning london time) who was amazing and listened until the pill kicked in. then i went to sleep.


today i feel better. i had my mom take out old furniture that i didnt need to open up the room, i moved in ALL of my shit and organized it. AND even tho yesterday was a binge day, i weighed 119.5lbs this morning.

also at least i wont be here for long. i bought my tickets for my trip to london (the boy is splitting it) so theres two weeks out of my summer here. and i move to med school in late july. so its not so bad i suppose.

goods and bads

i feel blah today. but i think ive been makings some progress (in an extremely fucked up way). so here are the goods:

1. i discovered chewing and spitting for the first time yesterday. did it lots.
2. went to the gym for the first time in maybe a year. burned 250cals. (im super out of shape so im trying to get into shape slowly)
3. turned down 2 invitations to go to my favorite restaurants yesterday and today
4. i halfway purged for the first time. i have a really strong cardiac sphincter i think (the muscle that keeps your food from your stomach from entering your esophagus. i never throw up. i've only been sick enough to vomit once in my life and ive only done it from drinking once in my life as well. i seriously cannot puke. i don't know how to do it. my body wont let me. but yesterday i got some of the water i chugged. pointless i know but progress none the less.

here are the bads:
1. i binged yesterday
2. i think my friends are starting to notice

im posting lots of thinspo today. (my internet magically started working so ive been looking at models alllll morning)






ps thanks for the lovely comments yesterday. i love you all. really. you guys know the ugliest part of me. thanks for the nice words. : )