high

So many things to cover, good and bad, but I'm feeling mostly good. Probably b/c of the drugs.

1. DONE WITH COLLEGE. I finished my last exam today. I'm dunzo. I'm not done w/ school forever tho. 4 mo' years for me via medical school. I love feeling the ability to do nothing. It's been so long since I've actually been bored.

2. BINGE: Yesterday, b/c of the adderall, I ate 300cals. Today, because of God-knows-why, I binged insanely. I can't even bare to write it. But I still feel happy.

3. DINNER: I went out to dinner with my sorority family for the last time since I'm graduating and they got me such nice gifts and paid for my food! Plus I loved talking to them all. They're each so different but so fucking cool. I know it's lame, and I'm not at all a sorority girl at all. But I like having these people in my life.

4. TEXT: So it's been two days since the lead singer had e-mailed me, and I had begun to worry that he moved on/met another girl/ changed his mind. But then earlier tonite, I got a wonderfully flirtatious text. AH THE SEXUAL TENSION IS KILLING ME. But I love it. I love that he texted me.

5.I'm pretty fucking baked right now. (Also contributing to the binge), but I had a wonderful night. I'm happy.


Tomorrow starts the new plan. Gym everyday. 500 cals max. I can't fast here b/c my housemates will notice. We're going to be spending a lot of time together since we're all done w/ school and not working now. I'll have to wait till June, sadly.

melodramatic

I've been doing work all day. And I can't stop listening to this song.

Patience, shadow
With all your sight, there's no sight to see
Little shadow, little shadow
To the night, will you follow me?

Pardon, shadow,
Hold on tight to your darkened key
Little shadow, little shadow
To the night, will you follow me?

Closer, shadow,
Volume strikes, still we're caught between
All this sorrow, little shadow
To the night, will you follow me?

Every shape and size,
Deep and deep we die,
Turn and turn inside to a fantasy.
Little shadow, to the night, will you follow me?
Little shadow, to the night, will you follow me?

disappointment

I can't believe it. I'm actually 120. That's what the scale said this morning again. I don't understand. I am a terrible perfectionist. I have a 3.93. I HATE FAILURE. I can't deal with it. So what the fuck am I doing?

I haven't been committing. Just wait. I KNOW that once I'm done with exams, I'll be at the gym everyday. I'll stop eating. It will be perfect. I know it.

Adderall for now. Then I have to go to some stupid banquet for this award I'm getting. I just won't eat. It will be fine.

Ok so I'm going to medical school next year, and the boy is still going to be in college. This means we only have until the end of school together. Well his bitch mom booked his flight home yesterday for this Thursday and he asked her to please change it, but she refused. I was so upset. Lately we had been at each other's throats because of exams and the relationship has been nothing like it was in the beginning. I really didn't want the last thing of our relationship that he remembers is me bitching at him.
Well, he came over last night to study in my room with me, and he was smiling ear-to-ear. I was like what's up. He told me he went ahead and changed the flight anyways with his dad's credit card for the 14th! I was so happy! And then we started playing around like we used to. Here's the problem. I really think I love him. There were times last night where I thought he was going to say it too. Instead, I just opted for, "I'm really glad this happened." But I don't know what to do. I'm so weak. How does this happen?

...120...

what the fuck.
ok so i ate 1600 cals yesterady (overestimate) but i was in the sun all day, running around, dancing, sweating. WAY more active than my sedentary study life.

how does that equal 3 pounds? im thinking that since i didnt drink ANY water and only had diet tea drinks, i retained lots of h20. HOPEFULLY. im so pissed.

so today we have my housemate's bday celebration. we're going to this nice bar for drinks first at 6:30 then dinner at a tapas place. HERE'S THE THING. i'm not going to eat in front of them. done deal. over.


boys acting weird. insecure. its anoying. GET OVER IT. ITS UNATTRACTIVE.

117

so i went to the bathroom. weighed myself again. 117!!

and

the lead singer sent me this photo from the show of his face on the jumbotron, winking, and you can see me looking up at his face. its such a cool pic! im in love. terrible. terrible terrible terrible.

an ode to the music festival girl

Publish Post

no good no good no good.

yesterday i had about 1100cals. terrible. BUT i stopped myself from going out and drinking more. so i suppose thats good.

Today I'm at 117.5lbs. I want to fast today and tomorrow but i'm going to this outside festival all day and its like 95 degrees here. will i pass out? i'm nervous. i'm going to get backstage. i can do it.

i really want breakfast.

but instead i'll post thinspo.

i want my friends to notice.

exhauseted

i was up until 4 30 last night finishing that paper. i felt delirious. its a terrible paper also. whatever. i'm graduating. i'm going to medical school. it's done with.

then this morning i had to wake up early for this interview thing. and i'm so tired. i can't want to fall asleep and nap all day. then i have to go to dinner. then i have to make a presentation for a class tomorrow. it never fucking ends.

since i have to go to dinner tonight and since i did so poorly yesterday, i'm going to fast all day. i know it doesn't really count if it's not even a day, but i'm just deciding i wont have anything until 9:00 PM. yesterday i ended up eating 800cals. not ok. the weird thing was i didn't binge. i just ate a lot. i have been awake for 40 of the last 48 hours though, so i figure i'm buring more calories being awake. i know they say you need to get good sleep to keep your metabolism up, but it's not to the extent that you would burn more calories than from being awake.

i wish i could write a more substantive post but i'm so fucking exhausted. all i can do is ramble.

current weight: STILL FUCKING 118lbs.

I don't understand. i'm not eating the amount of calories necessary to maintain my weight. what's going on? does anyone know?

After friday, i'll have a brief break from doing work. i'll only have to edit my thesis and study a little for an exam on wed. so that means i'm going to start my first REAL fast this weekend. just a baby one. 48 hours. but i really want to do a completely 0 calorie fast. i'll allow myself a diet arizona green tea if i need something sweet. plus since its exam time, i won't have the pressure to go out and drink. i can lie and say im doing work. perfect. the only tricky part will be hiding the fact that i'm not eating from my housemates and the boy.

speaking of which. he noticed. last night he was like, you've lost weight. i didn't say anything back. but on the inside i was so happy. i was surprised too b/c ive only really lost 7 pounds. whatever. ill take what i can get.