sorrrrrryyyy

sorry for the absence. i've been out of town condo-hunting with my mother. i cant believe im moving in a month. crazyyyy. anyways the good news is i think weve found a place. hopefully the contract goes thru and everything.

anyways i have 7 days till the boy sees me and i want to loose 5lbs. im back to 119lbs which isnt terrible. but if i can be 114 ill be pretty happy.

the plan for today: one 190cal energy bar split in 2. and gym. if im hungry, celery. i also have to work. and run errands. so ill be keeping busy.

what im currently stressing about is work. i have to make up some elaborate lie that i have to move to mexico to be with my grandmother whos just had a stroke and care for her over the summer since we dont want to put her in a mexican nursing home and since my dad cant leave his practice and is an only child.

the only lie is that she hasnt had a stroke. she does live in mexico (im cuban and thats where my dad and his family moved after escaping) and my dad does have a private practice in cardiology that is only him so he wouldnt be able to take time off. i am just nervous about jinxing my abuelita.

the reason i have to do this is that im going out of town for 2 weeks and then i have to do this other convention modeling job for a week after that. and then i move to med school in mid july. i went into the job knowing all of this but theres no way i would get the job saying that i could only work a month. i feel bad...but what else can i do?

im off to the gym. bye loves.


ps these pics are from a blog called girl on fire.

sasha

a couple quick updates:
1. 117lbs this morning! hopefully i can keep it up this time.
2. leadsinger booked the flights. first class. bought. its official. im kind of freaking out.



no really freaking out. ive only told one of my girlfriends. and my brother. they are the only two that know who it is and whats going on. i wish i could tell you girls!




and now, a tribute to my current obsession, sasha pivovarova:

shoes

my most recent purchase. charles david. so pretty.

i need to stop wasting money when im depressed. last time i promise.

string me out

im anxious
i cant sleep anymore without pills
and you know what im most concerned about? that if my mom found this blog, or my diet pills, or anything like that...id be most embarrassed that im not skinnier. does that make sense?

im not expressing myself very clearly.

also i need to be more like this for london. and my leadsinger. both of them will like me more like this.

i wish i had a dealer here. laskdfwenfnflskdfae


i know im not being good. but i dont want to be good right now. i have the rest of my life to be good. and only 2 months left to be terrible.


im being overly dramatic i know.

alright my little darlings here's whats new:

im currently finalizing plans to be flown to ***** <--- (i can't say the city b/c im paranoid someone will figure out what band he's from and tell him that i am a crazy psycho with an blog about her ED) b/c theyre playing a show there. i feel terrible. the boy doesn't know. i cant even imagine what he would do if he found out we were still texting, much less exchaning emails with pictures attached and planning trips together.... im a terrible girlfriend. BUT im at least making it happen so that i see the rockstar AFTER i get back from london bc the boy and i will be broken up by then. were only doing the long distance thing now, before the trip and then once i leave london it's goodbye for real. am i a bad person for not feeling too guilty about this whole thing?



i made up new rules for myself:

1. no eating until 12
2. no eating after 9

its crunch time. 2 weeks till london. and a month till rockstar time

the end.

the perfect little doll

ill update you all on my life tomorrow morning.

here's some thematic thinspo in the meantime...

sigh

oh to be sasha, tanya d, or olga...





also the song is undownloadable as of now. so don't even try.





(or if you find it pretty please tell me how you got it)